Lost and confused...
First, the backstory.
I'm a 43-y-o male that has been married to my 40-y-o wife for 16 years, together for 17. We opened our marriage 2.5 years ago with swinging and have thoroughly enjoyed ourselves living in that lifestyle. As a matter of fact, as of June of this year, I was happier in my life and marriage than I'd ever been before and I think my wife felt very similar. However, in July, we met a couple that was new to swinging (we were their very first) and the four of us fell in love (we thought) after only about 2 weeks or less. Neither of us (my wife or I) wanted a poly relationship, but we suddenly found ourselves in one and began to look for information about it. We discovered we had what was termed a polyfidelitous relationship with this couple.
For 2 weeks, things seemed great, however, things got complex when the husband of the couple (who was only here for 2 weeks) shipped back out to Afghanistan. My wife and he began a relationship by texting and it got very hot and heavy and very sexual. She feel deeper and deeper in love with him, even at a distance. The problem lies in the fact that after about 2 weeks, I realized that I made a mistake and did not love the wife of the other couple in the same way and began falling further out of love with her. However, we went on for 2 months trying to make things work and I kept giving in to try to make things work to make my wife happy and not hurt anyone.
About 2 weeks ago, I had a serious mental breakdown and realized I am in a very deep depression that I am seeking help for with a therapist (who understands open relationship issues). I also realized that I do NOT want to live in a poly relationship and do not love the female of the other couple. But, my wife is now head-over-heels in deep love with the male half and she has actually had problems with obsessing over him and spending more time texting and sexting with him than with spending time with me. That has only made things worse.
I feel like I want to die. I went from being at the happiest I'd ever been to being at the worst I've ever felt in the space of 2 months. I've lost 30 pounds over these 2 months (without trying), and my body is constantly racked with pains and my mind is consumed with hurt and depression over her relationship with him. In an effort to make something work, I got involved in a group text with the four of us and he inadvertently said some very hateful things towards me and it shut me down. Now, I actually hate this guy and I feel like I'm living in a mono relationship with a woman who loves another man. No matter how much she professes to love me, I can only see them together and it rips my heart and guts out.
This weekend, we decided to call off the poly relationship (because I finally declared that I had to be out, or I had to walk away from everything). They finally agreed to try to just be "friends" to help me. My wife and the male from the couple quit their private texting relationship. Now, my wife resents me and is very angry with me for taking away her relationship. She feels a deep sense of loss and I don't think she can ever forgive me for taking it away from her.
I am at a difficult place where I don't even want to be friends with them (as I hate him), but I'm trying to be open for the sake of my wife's heart. I also fear that staying friends will cause her love for him to constantly stay kindled and the three of them will always be trying to push for more. (He returns from AFG in a few weeks for good, so we would see them a lot more.)
Is staying friends a good idea? How can I even think about becoming friends with some dude that I can't stand? How can I even be in the same room with him? In the last 2 months, my wife and I have fought more than in 17 years of being together and we've almost split up at least 3 or 4 times over our fights (something we had NEVER even considered before entering into this poly relationship). It has been the most excruciating 2 months of my life and of our marriage. I can't understand why we would continue to try to press forward to salvage something that has caused all of us so much pain?
Really confused and hurt. Any thoughts?