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Old 09-18-2012, 10:40 PM
NerfHerder NerfHerder is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 14
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Wow, thanks for all the responses. I really hate that I can't spend time on this site from work... I was able to spend a little time working on my OKCupid profile though, so that's got to be worth something! (can't actually go to the site, but I had my wife email me my questions/answers so I could refine them.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
How do you know your marital status is the reason people move on? It should be obvious from the fact that you show up as "Available" that there's someone else in the picture, so anyone looking for singles only isn't going to deliberately click through to begin with.
I suppose I don't know for sure, it could be one of my myriad flaws that drive them away. *tease* I've found that those people I explicitly message that I am married do not click through to my profile, and those I do not state it will click through to my profile and then not respond. You're correct in that it is stated, but a) I don't believe everyone's so observant and b) it's possible they click through to see what 'available' means. It's been observed many times on here that people seem more comfortable with cheating than poly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I would focus on this angle, online dating is great, but always more of a crapshoot. "Break it to them" makes it sound like you'd be telling them bad news! Could it be that you have the wrong attitude about it? People respond very differently based on how present something. What is it that really keeps you from trying with one of these women? What if your wife initiated -- "Fyi, hubby and I have an open marriage and he's too shy to let you know he likes you. "
Haha, you're right, I certainly didn't mean it in that light, I was thinking more along the lines of 'break the ice' than 'break bad news'. I don't think it's really so much that I consider it telling them a bad thing, but instead that they're new neighbors (one of my best friends is an absolute saint and rented his house out to four female grad students, and one of them has particularly been a lot of fun to talk to and hang out with) so I am wary of how she (and by extension, the whole house) will react. I definately am with you that having my wife initiate may be the best way... we're finding more things in common that she'll have more opportunity to have a conversation like that. Several of our neighbors already know we're poly and looking, but not these ones~

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
What's the deal with that? It sounds like you're just looking for an additional relationship to appease your wife. You may tell yourself you want to find someone, but if she has to prod you, it sounds like your heart isn't in it or you lack confidence. If you don't really want to pursue someone else, don't. Potentials might be picking up on your ambivalence. If your wife wants things equal, that is unrealistic - it ain't a race. Let relationships develop for each of you in your own time, and don't try to force anything on yourself that you're not really ready for.
Wow, I can definitely see how it could be read like that, but it's certainly not how I meant it. I've been (over the years we've talked about it) a little reluctant to go looking precisely because she does not have someone (nor is she looking very hard - she says I'm enough for men and is really only interested in adding a woman) but I do not want to be the one pushing her to let me get a girlfriend. She also knows I'm the type of person who tends to do everything I can to give her and my kids what they want and sometime skip out on things I need to do it. Therefore she's pushing me, but only in a good way. I occasionally need a push, and I definitely want another relationship.

I may lack confidence to some degree, but that's another aspect entirely. My capacity for speaking with people, opposite sex especially, has grown leaps and bounds since I've been with my wife, but in some ways I have almost no experience dating - my wife and girlfriend before her were met online and long-distance... learning to read what people are thinking and expecting in person is a very different experience.

I'm learning, and enjoying the experience (I have met one person on OKCupid I went on a couple dates with, but we didn't really click) but I still learning.

I've had my account up on OKC for two months now and only gotten the one response. I suppose it says something that I then met her and went on a couple dates, but... it's still frustrating to not even get a response from most people.

But... I'm pretty happy with what I pulled together as an update to my OKC profile, so we'll see if that helps... maybe I should try the personal's section here also? Hrm...

Thanks for all the thoughts, keep them coming! At very least it's helped me get it off my chest and feel like I'm not so unusual afterall. ( =
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Me - 34 year old straight male
Wife of 7 years - 27 year old bi female

- CAUTION: May be scruffy-looking
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