My wife just unfortunately found herself in this relationship with this girl that’s more than friends and we’re trying to make the best decision possible on where to go from here.
1) Have a talk in trio. Confirm she is NOT that into you. Just state it outright. "Please confirm that you are not that into me as a lover and would prefer to be just friends. I need to hear it so I can move on to other things and get back in right relationship with you. This polyship seems to naturally want to be a "V" shape. Where wife is the shared person and you and I are better off just being friends and skip the lover stuff. Is that how you feel about it? "
2)Stop the sympathy fuck threesomes. It does not flatter any of you
and clouds emotional waters.
3) Apologize to the GF for you guys rolling right over her and not hearing her well when she said she'd do it for the wife's sake. That you prefer she get stronger about her limit and not do ANYTHING she doesn't want to do with a "Yay!"
4) Tell her thank you. And stop there. That's enough for one session.
AFFAIR ISSUE: APOLOGY TIME
This is some other talk at some OTHER time.
1) Ask yourself if you are ok with your wife being the hinge in a "V" with her cheating affair partner. In this WHOLE thing I hear NOTHING about how you have repaired that with the wife. It got swept under the rug in your rush to "make it ok" by sharing the GF like she was some kind of thing and not a person in her own right. You were after lust and a revenge affair. Own it.
2) Ask for individual apology from the GF for the cheating affair. It takes two to tango.
3) Ask for individual apology from the wife for the cheating affair. It takes two to tango.
4) Ask for individual apology from the wife + gf duo for the cheating affair.
5) Apologize to your wife for not spending time with her emotionally and neglecting her needs. The WHY from her missing you. Do something to repair that. I hear nothing about that being repaired.
6) Apologize to wife for wanting lust/revenge affair threesome thing to get even and failing to think of what is best for the overall marriage and just thinking about your own selfish.
7) Apologize to wife for going along with this mess and shooshing dealing with the affair under the rug. Rahter than sideline into feeding your own selfish, you could have held her accountable for her actions and sought appropriate solution/counseling. She could apologize to you here too.
8) Apologize to GF for putting her in weird situation when really the problem is on the wife + husband tier -- the habitualy shooshing of emotional discussion. She played a role in the cheating affair but this bad habit of emotional avoidy the marriage does has been there all along.
6) Apologize to the GF for moving the threesome forward when she said she'd only do it for the wife. That was taking advantage.
7) Ask the GF to apologize to you for not giving clear communication and stating a firm NO. Also for being avoidy in conflict resoultion.
8) Stop there. Apology time is emotionally draining. But it needs to be done. Make appt for part 2.
POST AFFAIR: HOW TO BE TOGETHER NOW
1) Decide how this "V" will continue and how the metamours will be expected to behave toward each other if this polyship is going to continue in a healthier way. Seek a counselor for help if needed. (I think you do need. You and wife are in this habit of avoidy emotional convo because you are stuck emotionally like teens when you first got together. Look at your GF person -- similar type! You found a way to "solve" it back then as teens that no longer suits NOW as adults but have no practical experience for how to deal. Consider learning with a counselor. All three of you! Esp if this V will continue. All need to be better communicators.)
You guys need your framework for rights and responsibilities
in order to hold yourselves and each other accountable. I am not hearing you have any kind of agreements like that and from the top you and your wife do not have good emotional communication.
Her needs were going unmet by you. She did not articulate that to you. She went off to have an affair.
You had lonely/depressed feelings and social needs going unmet. You did not articulate that to her either.
You might not get the hoped for "triad" thing, but you CAN get rid of the tension by having a series of talks, making the apologies that need to be made, and returning to being in right relationship on ALL your polymath tiers. (see next posts)
GL to all of you. I hope you get to a better place in your polyship.