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Old 09-18-2012, 03:37 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,217

My wife says that it’s not helping that me and her best friend progress when I don’t spend any 1-on-1 time together. We both know that it would help, but we both know that her friend would feel weird about it. She gets scared when things get serious. She doesn’t like drama or conflict or anything complicated, she runs. At this pace it will either take a year, or never happen.
And wife is right. 1 on 1 time is needed to develop a deeper relationship with her. Your NRE hormones are wearing off. You are finding there is nothing there for larger attachment.

But I suspect GF doesn't want to deepen anything with you because she's just not that into you. And you going there to press a suit on her when she does not want you as a lover, much less a suitor? Would mean conflict (and she's a conflict avoider) because she'd have to tell you that she's just not that into you OUT LOUD.

Horror! Nevermind that saying so from the get go would have spared all this mess if she had puts the brakes on.

But it isn't her responsibility because you guys were fresh in even proposing a threesome in the way you did -- treating her like a THING. Because you guys were being avoidy in your emotional management elsewhere.

QUOTE]I told my wife, “if you want to have a normal friendship with this girl then I won’t hold you back, but unless we can make your (sex/romance) relationship a shared relationship, where we all express and share intimate feelings for each other, then I think this part of your friendship needs to end”. [/QUOTE]

Here we go. Back to treating the GF like a THING. Share your toy with me or you cannot play with it! Never mind that the "toy" is an actual person with feelings of their own. Why are you pressuring your wife to deliver something that is NOT in her control to give? Her GF having sex/romance desires for you?

Why do you keep treating the GF like an object rather than a real person? She is not the sex/romance dispenser box for anyone who sticks a quarter in.

I get so frustrated, I feel that this girl likes hanging out with me with my wife, but wants nothing more physically or in the form of a connection with me. More specifically, I feel like she pacifies me with as little emotional and physical connection as she can get away with.
Yup. And you see it clearly but don't want to accept it. Wassup with that? How would YOU feel about someone who keeps treating you like a thing? A dick cushion?

Again -- can you be open to an "N" configuration? You have your own Spice rather than trying to share a Spice that just isn't into you? She can't help that she doesn't click with you more than just a nice flirty Metamour like she was way at the start. Wouldn't you rather be flirty friends with her again and not have this UGH between you? If so? stop treating the GF like a thing. Start treating her with courtesy and like a person with feelings of her own.

You wife could realize that she's also treating her a bit like a thing and not a person. Make amends with YOU for the cheating without using the GF as the make nice nookie cookie.

GF could get more assertive about saying NO.

All three of you could learn to hold your own baggage more appropriately. This is a mess of avoidy dance all over the place.

I want to just let them enjoy each other and stay out where I’m not wanted.
So do it. Let them enjoy each other. Step out of the weird.
It’s very difficult though. I am just not comfortable seeing my wife get emotionally fulfilled on that level from anyone else but me.
And here we come back full circle. You have a hard time with the mini relationship tier of the larger polyship that is the

you to (wife + gf)

layer of this polyship. On this tier? Seeing wife getting fulfillment from GF emotionally because on the tier of

(you to wife)

you haven't been doing a whole lot in the emotional fullfillment area? Back up at the top? You guys think you are clear communicators about your feelings but you aren't. You also spend TOO MUCH time together via work and not much time together dating each other. Yes, you can date your own wife.

On the layer of

(You to GF)

you have been treating her bad. Like a dick cushion.

So before you can feel ok in the tier of

you to (wife + gf)

there are repairs to be made in the other layers. Learn your polymath tiers. Each mini rship inside the larger configuration needs TLC for the polyship to fly well. Or the whole house of cards folds.

Because she gets aggressive when you try to communicate anything deeper that involves her. She gets defensive, and unfortunately would just run instead of trying to figure it out. As sad as it is, we’re trying to protect her by keeping her in the dark. We know that she’s also fallen for my wife, they have an amazing bond, and we know she’d sabotage her own relationship with us instead of “talking” about it.
Conflict avoiding again. You are not protecting anything but your own knowledge of your own selves and your actions lately. Why? Because it is not flattering to you to acknowledge "out loud" that on some level? You are wife both know that this GF already IS sabotaging her own relationships to be with you guys like this. But you are/were ok with keeping her in that position.

Wife wanted to keep her affair person and you.
You wanted lust and revenge affair.

So you both used her up like a thing. (the GF) Did not consider/care for her as a person even though from the start you know this about her -- she's an emotionally avoidy, childish, immature, lightweight kind of person. Easy prey.

  • her best friend is 26, her friend is high energy, optimistic, down for anything, and has very little drama.
  • she still lives at home, she has no bills (so all of her money is disposable), has next to no responsibilities
  • She smokes pot the moment anything difficult to deal with presents itself
  • she avoids having to “deal” with any real emotions at all cost
  • She's not a deep person at all and she is VERY guarded with sharing her feelings.
  • She has no experience or skill at expressing herself. She really struggles with it.
Maybe the wife was attracted to her being childish and lightweight because she was being avoidy about dealing with the heavy that is your marriage problems at the start. Your withdrawing and her boredom.

Well -- You at least are now struggling with it because somewhere in you you know it isn't cool. If wife struggling with ethics too?

My wife and I would love to have a very casual physical shared relationship with this girl, my wife wants to continue her connection with her, I am looking to also develop at least a semi-connection with her as well. What does SHE want? Wish I could tell you…by now you know she would completely distance herself if this highly awkward conversation presented itself.
Ask her. You can't know without doing that. Let her own her own baggage of feelings like any grown up has too. Hold her accountable even if she is avoidy.

You are doing nothing wrong in asking for clear communication in where you stand. At this point it is almost like HALLELUJAH! At last! Sanity!

But this time LISTEN.

The clues were there from the beginning that she's not into you and you ALL have been avoidy about that. Wanting to force fit this into another shape than what it is. A "V" with the wife as a hinge.

The V arm metamour people -- you and the GF? Be pals. Maybe in time be ok with a casual thing so the wife can have her bday threesome once in a while but where it is FUN for all and not this... gross thing you have now.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-18-2012 at 04:04 PM.
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