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Old 09-18-2012, 03:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,282

Yikes. What a mess! I'll try but dang!

10 years ago and have lived together, worked together, ate together, and basically been together 24/7 for the past 12 of the 17 years we've been together.
Together way too much. There is nothing to share at the end of the day with each other if you've been together all day as it is. Can one of you get a new job elsewhere and hire for the position they vacate?

She always made me feel good about me; smiling all the time at me, touches, compliments, open flirtation and energetic hugs with affectionate tenderness sprinkled in. It was felt more towards me than towards my wife initially. At this point however, I was not attracted to her, I did not have feelings for her, I just thought she was wonderful to be around and made me feel great about me...In a time where I have been the lowest I think I've been, she was making me feel great about myself, and I found myself unknowingly just wanting to be around her.
  • Not getting this touching from wife? Why not tell wife you need this more?
  • You sound depressed. Why not get check up for depression?

In the middle of my insane obsession over this girl, she is pulling more and more away from me. Not talking to me as much and more importantly, she's mostly stopped any flirting or attention of the kind towards me. This, of course, only makes me obsess more. It's like a drug that has been taken away.

It IS a drug. It's the brain hormone cascade of crushing. Fun to feel, but it means nothing serious.

I am devastated. I am devastated in both ways that I personally longed for that type of relationship myself with her, and that my wife had an affair. Worse yet, my wife deletes the texts shortly after I read them in hopes that I never got the chance to read them before she could destroy the evidence.
I'm sorry to hear of the cheating.

She said she wasn’t looking for it, it just happened. What bothered me though was that a month earlier I asked her if we were "ok" and that I felt disconnected. She assured me that we were fine. She later says that I had previously told her that I couldn’t handle any more stress in my life, and that she couldn't bare putting more stress on me after hearing that, and that's why she said that we were good.
You guys have poor communication about your feelings. You are both avoidy. It doesn't make the cheating affair right though.

Threesome?! My ears perk up. My ears perk up not because of the typical guy fantasy though...My ears perk up because I am being offered an opportunity to be with the woman that I have been obsessed about for months. I also am wondering if this will sort of "even the score" somehow and help us move on in a weird way. I openly explain both of these feelings with my wife. We’re pretty open about all of our feelings.
No you aren't open about all your feelings. You had to snoop in her cel phone because you did not want to outright ASK. She was deleting texts because she didn't want to outright SAY.

Now you are looking stick your dick into the crush woman. That's treating her like a thing -- you don't mention anything about spending time with her to get to know her. Just want to jump her bones.

Also you want to "even the score" - that's not healthy. It is a revenge affair to get even with wife.

So I suspect whatever "openly sharing of your feelings" happened at this point was to further move it to where you could have the sex act. Not really talking about whether this was wanted by ALL parties in a healthy way and whether this would be the appropriate expression of your feelings for each other at this time.

Basically wife is also guilty of treating GF like a thing -- "here, have some nookie cookie, husband. To make nice for my cheating on you."

My wife proposes the threesome to her and after two weeks of thought, she decides that she'll do it as well, but she says it's really for my wife--to let her fulfill her fantasy.
Which to me sounds like
  • "I am not really into it or him but will compromise myself for you, gf."
    • I am emotionally avoidy and giving in is easier than me stating NO! and being firm in my emotion needs.
    • "I am really giving him a pity fuck to assuage my own guilt in participating in affair. This allows me to be emotionally avoidy but still make nice with myself."
    • "I rather give up nookie than apologize for affair like a grown up. Because that allows me to be emotionally avoidy and I don't have to own my bad and make nice properly with him."
  • "I will couch it in terms of my doing it to let GF fulfill her fantasy because that makes it more palatable to me. Then it is my generosity to GF and not my avoidy keeping me from telling my GF (the wife) to fuck off for putting me in this awkward position in an already complex thing!"

THAT's not healthy either. Was wife pressuring GF? Were you? This person you already describe as weak in character and decision making and if you both went there KNOWING that? You were predatory. It is not flattering.

The whole experience seems surreal and all these thoughts of the two of them together are flooding my head. To make matters worse, I exercised till I was ready to collapse earlier that day, we absolutely pigged out at dinner an hour before, and we have been doing shots like crazy all night. I'm nervous, and I can't perform. It's mortifying for me.
Common enough problem in swinging -- guy can't keep an erection.

And add how you are coming into this dude -- not healthy in the heart bucket. (emotional health)

I’m mentally there, but sub-consciously something is still not right. I have all these mixed feelings and it doesn't help that her attention is mostly on my wife. Actually, I take that back, I was able to perform once like normal out of the NINE times (I think it was like the seventh time we did it) and I was actually so annoyed at first at the fact that I felt no connection from this girl still that I was going to walk away.
See? Even you know there's no heart feelings there. But you went there anyway. Without consent -- you got a half assed consent. But it was not "YAY! I WANT TO BE WITH YOU!" consent. And you knew it.


I can’t help but feel that I’m getting almost pathetic sympathy sex permission from her.
Told you that way back at the beginning -- not into you, but will do you for sake of the wife.
And I am just finding that I want more from her. I want more because I’m needing this to be a three-way relationship or nothing.
Yup. This is an empty relationship. Stop having sex there. Accept she's not that into you as a BF.
I can’t keep knowing my wife is getting her romantic needs met by someone else. She’s getting emotional, more than “friends”, connection from someone outside of our marriage. It’s starting to not sit well with me.
It has BEEN not sitting well with you. I'm not hearing you guys solved the cheating betrayal feelings. I'm not hearing that you solved the situation that caused wife to be ripe for a cheating affair -- some of her needs were going unmet.

So instead of getting around to digging down to find out what that all is you are doing what? Getting jealous she gets fed elsewhere?

It doesn't make the cheating ok, but WHEN will you own your part of the elephant there? You neglected wife needs at some point along the line. When are you going to spend time repairing that?

Otherwise you cannot be ok sharing wife because seeing her needs met elsewhere is a big neon sign of "I suck! I don't meet her needs!"

To stop feeling like you suck because you don't meet her needs that she needs met FROM YOU, you need to start meeting them.

IF we were all sharing in it, even if my wife maintained a best friendship and “stronger” connection, I’d be ok with that. I’d be ok with that as long as I was involved in the relationship and connection with some decent amount.
That is speaking to fear of losing your wife to the GF.

And THAT speaks to fear because you haven't been doing your job of meeting her needs. Not ALL her needs. But the needs from YOU that she needs. No one person is Superman.

I don’t want my wife to have an intimate relationship with me, and an intimate relationship with someone simultaneously outside of our marriage.
Is that a hard limit? A deal breaker? Then you need to tell this to wife. And you need to BEHAVE like this is a hard limit. You do not behave that way at all.

If it’s within our marriage, and we’re all in this, then that I can be ok with, even if they have a stronger connection. If they want to do 1on1 stuff in an arrangement like that, fine, if I’m doing 1on1 stuff with her in an arrangement like that, fine, we’re all open and sharing and enjoying at that point.
That's why I don't think the above is a hard limit.

You need reassuring. Articulate this please -- because I'm sure that it goes both ways. Wife had needs going unmet. SO DID YOU.

Seeing too much of wife in the work place, not having anything to share with each other when you get home for dinner because you were both THERE. Scroll back up to the top and see how you were sad and depressed and your friends move away and all that -- ONE PERSON cannot be superman and meet all needs. You guys are starved for a social life. Get one!

Are you open to an "N" configuration? Where you wife has her Spice and you have a DIFFERENT Spice? What are you doing to spent time with you own wife? You weekend away with the wife sounded nice. Any chance of dating / courting your wife more?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-18-2012 at 04:16 PM.
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