Then comes the 8th and 9th time. Anxiety crept in again. I'm just not feeling "desired" by this girl. Sure she tells me I'm hot in a flirty way, tells me to show my abs, but it's very non-committed. Almost like stuff that she could say or do to any guy (and does). She doesn't "show" me that I mean more or that she “wants" me ever. I can’t help but feel that I’m getting almost pathetic sympathy sex permission from her. It’s how I’ve felt from the start. She never initiates anything with me, I always do, even though she probably would deny that, it’s absolutely true. There’s been two times I think that she ever initiated anything. I think one of those times was her just saying that if we were alone she’d be all over me. Aside from that, we see each other 3-4 times a week, and she hardly makes me feel desired. My wife, by the way, has been encouraging her to feel comfortable with me. It actually turns her on to see us together.
There is no three-way relationship though. Not that I expected it to move this fast at all, but I expected a little progress, or movement. We have a weak friendship (me and her, why would she need more? She has plenty of friends and all her needs fulfilled by my wife, I don’t blame her) and my wife and her still remain BEST friends. They still have their flirting text conversations, and they still do everything together. I do also go out with them and awful lot, and when we do, we all have a blast. But the "relationship" is completely between them. And I am just finding that I want more from her. I want more because I’m needing this to be a three-way relationship or nothing. I can’t keep knowing my wife is getting her romantic needs met by someone else. She’s getting emotional, more than “friends”, connection from someone outside of our marriage. It’s starting to not sit well with me. IF we were all sharing in it, even if my wife maintained a best friendship and “stronger” connection, I’d be ok with that. I’d be ok with that as long as I was involved in the relationship and connection with some decent amount. I don’t want my wife to have an intimate relationship with me, and an intimate relationship with someone simultaneously outside of our marriage. If it’s within our marriage, and we’re all in this, then that I can be ok with, even if they have a stronger connection. If they want to do 1on1 stuff in an arrangement like that, fine, if I’m doing 1on1 stuff with her in an arrangement like that, fine, we’re all open and sharing and enjoying at that point. This current situation is different though. My wife says to just be patient, that I’m trying to rush it, but it’s been a couple months since we started this and I feel like there should be more progression between us. My wife says that it’s not helping that me and her best friend progress when I don’t spend any 1-on-1 time together. We both know that it would help, but we both know that her friend would feel weird about it. She gets scared when things get serious. She doesn’t like drama or conflict or anything complicated, she runs. At this pace it will either take a year, or never happen.
What we’re trying to decide on…
I told my wife, “if you want to have a normal friendship with this girl then I won’t hold you back, but unless we can make your relationship a shared relationship, where we all express and share intimate feelings for each other, then I think this part of your friendship needs to end”. My wife is afraid that if they move to a “normal” relationship her best friend will get spooked, feel that my wife doesn’t care as much about her, she’ll feel hurt, and she’ll just run to her other friends. My wife said she’ll basically faze her out of her life, quickly. More importantly, my wife loves this girl—hell, I love this girl too—she doesn’t want to cut out the special bond they have. She actually is excited about possibly getting to the point where we’re all very comfortable 1 on 1 or in a threesome. To the point where it’s “casual”. She said that she loves us both so much and she wants us to both be in her life. She said it would be so great to have the two people she loves so much love each other and both love her (maybe a little more lol). I however, have been an emotional rollercoaster dealing with this. I get so frustrated, I feel that this girl likes hanging out with me with my wife, but wants nothing more physically or in the form of a connection with me. More specifically, I feel like she pacifies me with as little emotional and physical connection as she can get away with. It feels very much like she can walk away from me, never see me again for the rest of her life, and not really be that bothered by it. I want very badly to know that nothing “bad” is going to come of my wife’s connection with this girl. I want to just let them enjoy each other and stay out where I’m not wanted. It’s very difficult though. I am just not comfortable seeing my wife get emotionally fulfilled on that level from anyone else but me.
My wife didn’t even notice how abnormal their relationship was until I pointed it out—until I compared it to other girls and told her to pretend it was someone else’s text conversations. And until I told her if it’s normal, let’s let everyone we know read them. She quickly “got it”. She tried to go the route initially of “girls are just more affectionate”, but that quickly faded when I read back some of their texts. Even recently, they still have very much “relationship” level exchanges in their text conversation. I know her best friend would NEVER realize that unless it was explained. In fact, she’s clueless about all of this. Why? Because she gets aggressive when you try to communicate anything deeper that involves her. She gets defensive, and unfortunately would just run instead of trying to figure it out. As sad as it is, we’re trying to protect her by keeping her in the dark. We know that she’s also fallen for my wife, they have an amazing bond, and we know she’d sabotage her own relationship with us instead of “talking” about it.
At this point, we’re trying to figure out where to go with this. My wife and I would love to have a very casual physical shared relationship with this girl, my wife wants to continue her connection with her, I am looking to also develop at least a semi-connection with her as well. What does SHE want? Wish I could tell you…by now you know she would completely distance herself if this highly awkward conversation presented itself.
So what do we do?...
We both very much love this girl. She also probably loves us too (we say it to each other). It’s healthy though, we’re not asking her to marry us lol. My wife just unfortunately found herself in this relationship with this girl that’s more than friends and we’re trying to make the best decision possible on where to go from here. It’s been the source of a lot of tension between us. Her best friend has no idea the tension it has caused, if she did, she’s back away. There’s been tension because I’ve been forced in a position where I need to “accept” that my wife has a relationship outside of our marriage. Even if it’s a relationship/friendship combo, the relationship part has made me uncomfortable. I am tired of the constant tension even though I would absolutely be devastated (along with my wife) to see this girl leave our lives. We thought that the three of us together would kind of “open” their relationship up between all three of us a little, but it hasn’t, it’s the same it has always been.
Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you!