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Old 09-17-2012, 09:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,096

I just want my marriage back to when i felt secure and i dont know how to get those thoughts and feelings to go away other than to be done with her and the situation entirely.
That would not be dealing with the problem. That would be shooshing it way to not have to deal with it. If you get rid of people? You still are not getting better at CLEAR COMMUNICATION and REPORTING ACCURATE FEELINGS.

This may be Hard to Hear.

But I notice that there are a lot of times where you say things are fine and they really are NOT fine with you. Then you take your feelings out on them later. So you are communicating poorly and giving false information about your emotional state. That is lying.

I know with the hospital stress you are hurting and frazzled. But that's no way to behave to your polypeeps.
  • TELL them you are hurting rather than telling them you are fine and all is NOT really fine.
  • TELL them you need extra care and comforting right now so they can do it.
  • Don't punish them for not mind readering you. Do not push them away. Invite them in.

And sure, you wish you could laugh and BBQ and not be there in hospital things.

But are you really saying you wish for your children and polypeeps to suffer misery and endure suckage? Just so you don't have to be doing it alone?

When you don't HAVE to be doing it alone if you just opened your mouth and told them what kind of care you are needing right now to help you in this tough time?

Why are you afraid to tell them straight up what you need?
Why are you afraid of owning your own feelings?

How do I get rid of those feelings how do i not get jealous if he rubs her shoulder or cuddles with her while we are in bed when I get those things too.
Is that really speaking to attention given you in sexy time?

Or is that speaking to you not getting care for your stress regarding parent in hospital? If you need EXTRA care -- how's he supposed to divine it from the skies? Or her?

If you cannot articulate to your own self what you want or need, how can THEY be expected to divine it?

I'm not trying to be mean to you. I know you hurt.

But in your hurt state you are hurting others there by PROJECTING at them and not ARTICULATING at them. Look....

I give DH permission for one on one thinking it will be no different than when I'm there but I also tell him I dont know how I will react when it happens.
I tell her I think I am ok with the idea of her and hubby just being together but I'm not sure how i will be when it happens.
If you are not ready to go there and deal with you unsure in constructive ways why give permission in the first place? You are dealing with it in destructive ways.

And at this time? With a parent in hospital? THAT is the best time to go there to explore murky water feelings to see if you can grow?

By presenting it this way it is like you expect THEM to own your feelings and mind reader your emotional health and well being for you. Like what you really mean when you say it is
[INDENT]"I give you permission but i don't know how I will feel. So if I feel yucky if you do it, and I do not like to feel yucky? I will be yucky to you and you deserve it. So you better not make me feel yucky."

So mixed up. Nobody makes you feel anything. Emotions just bubble up. You feel whatever it is when you feel it. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. You do not choose how to feel. You choose how you behave in response to those feelings.

1) WHY did you give the permission?
  • Thinking that it would never happen?
  • Thinking that if you mindreadered them successfully and gave them something you thought they wanted they would return the favor and mind reader YOU and give you something you wanted? What if they guess wrong? And you don't get what you hoped?
  • Were you afraid they'd cheat on you? So it was a preemptive strike? If so, did you deal with the fear?
  • Was it to share in their joy of the developing mini relationship inside the larger polyship? If so, what stops you from enjoying compersion for them?
  • Something else?

Because you did give blessing. If you gave it without meaning it? You lied to your people.

You need to own that and stop beating THEM up for it. You gave false information. Apologize to them for that part of it.

I tell him i feel like they(he and gf) are high fiving each other because I am leaving he says that is not the case and for me not to worry she says the same so I go.

When you left you felt like this before leaving? Here you are PROJECTING your ugh on them when really what you mean is that you REGRET giving the permission.

So why not TAKE IT BACK and say "Wait, I want to talk about it before it happens. With Mom in hospital it is not the best time to change to a new polyship agreement."

Instead you project your resentment at them along with your anger. But that anger belongs on you being angry with yourself for lying. Not on them for going ahead with what they were told BY YOU was ok. If you punish them for that, you are punishing them for you being a liar and for them not being mind readers.

2) When you gave permissions, you stated you were not sure how you would feel. You did not state your expectations of them for helping you deal with your feelings.
  • Has there been a time made to process in trio how you felt (from the FIRST encounter) with them to digest it?

I'm not hearing how they are supporting you through mom's hospital stay. (How are you with that? Are you feeling better? Is mom better? )

Have you asked them for support directly? How?

Since you do not clearly state your other needs I don't think you are stating THIS need -- that you DO need before care and aftercare before they have alone couple time. So you feel like you have connected with both in the mini relationships of

You + DH
You + GF

before they spend time in their mini relationship of (DH + GF)?

Because if you do not get that? The mini relationship of

You <--> (DH + GF)

is going to feel ugh.


I am not getting the vibe that you understand all your tiers. The polymath of this poly configuration. Each mini rship has to be well or else it affects the others.

You to yourself (this is different than you to yourself as a foot loose single)
DH to DH
GF to GF

You --> DH ( do you go to him well with your stuff?)
You --> GF

DH --> You (does he come to your well with his stuff)
DH --> GF

GF --> You
GF -->DH


You <--> (DH + GF) (I'm saving space typing so the arrow for info flows both ways

DH <--> (You + GF)

GF <--> (You + DH) (Note this is different than when it was just You + DH. Now how you behave as a duo has to take her into consideration. She is alive, she is here, she has feelings. )

You + DH + GF working as a team together


How you choose to be when you break up. Are you parting as friends? Enemies? What? Because all relationship end at some point. Not talking about how you want it to end so it ends well is avoidy. The trio must talk about this to avoid feeling all "Ack! They will leave me in the lurch and leave me badly!" type feelings.

Each mini rship inside the larger polyship needs TLC. Has it been given it? I don't think so. Figure out which one is needing some TLC and get it some.

Hope that helps you to sort our your feelings and in which tier the problem is. Perhaps parking each puzzle piece in the right tier would help give clues to possible solutions, who is responsible for what, etc.

Talk to them. Perhaps they can help you to sort. But everyone has to own a piece of the elephant. Even you. (Another thread where I wrote about breaking down the elephant problems in a polyship. In case it helps.)


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-18-2012 at 12:13 AM.
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