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Old 09-17-2012, 04:28 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,213
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Quote:
S is now thinking of talking to the group and asking for a break from the sex until she can be more comfortable with it.
Look, she is stating a need for a time out. LISTEN when people state their needs.

DO talk in quad. AND hear out all the OTHER people's wants, needs, and limits.

You yourself have stated a limit and a concern to air out to the quad. Maybe C and J have some things to air out of their own as you guys navigate this dating time and figure out the shape of your polyship thing over there. Not just who is romantically involved with who but how this polyship will cope with communication and conflict resolution.
  • CONCERN: I feel that if we take a break and continue later the same feelings will surface because nothing will be different and it will give her more time to psych herself out.

  • LIMIT: The sex is not important to me. I love every minute of my time with S cuddling and talking


As for this?

still feel a break would not be beneficial to how she feels about the sex.

You have not given her a chance to air out in quad to form the plan to accomplish this and how the others can support her in her personal growth.

First, there needs to be a time limit. How long is the time out gonna be? A month? Is that reasonable for all til the next check in?

What is going to be allowed in the time out time? Just cuddles? All on board?

What will S be doing to deal with her issues? Can she give examples of her plan so the others can check in and hold her accountable? So she can hold herself accountable?

To get over my weird feelings I will... (what?)

Examples:
A) Read X articles online about (poly? quads? jealousy? sex? safer sex practices? Polymath tiers and tending to each?) the things that are sticking points for her.
B) Journal my feelings out about each article.
C) Talk to my quad partners in single (vs in quad) about things I feel with each so help me sort out
D) Plan for handling my discomfort when the time out it over by ____

Stuff like that. She has to list it for herself. She may need help to ID WHERE the yucky feelings are coming from.

If she has a game plan for the time out time then YOU can feel like she's actually trying to do something rather than doing an ostrich and avoid. If she's made progress down her list by the next check in but not all there yet, the quad can chat and form the next baby step plan thing for how to best support/encourage her in the growth.

But do talk.

Communication is key.

GL!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-17-2012 at 04:31 PM.
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