There was something else at play too. The reason why I made sure to write the post about change before this one is because it is heavily related. I get bored of people very quickly. Friends or otherwise. and once I'm bored of someone there's no going back. I end not wanting to spend any time with them or trying to engage them in any way. It's not great for either parties to be honest and I have found a solution to this problem some time ago.
I would remove myself from their lives intentionally, in the state where I really want to spend more time with them. I would force myself out of that happy moment knowing that the pain I'm feeling has value in the longevity of this friend/relationship. So I learned to do with lovers as well. I would pry myself in the height of friendship only to return at a later date for an equal amount of fantastic fun.
There is a reason why I chose pictures from the film "Time Traveller's Wife". I originally watched this film because Rachel Mcadams is one of my favourite actresses and I wanted to see everything she was in. However, when I watched it I felt a strange feeling of understanding of the lifestyle she lives in the film. A husband weaving in and out of her life without her control. I realised that would be my definition of a committed relationship (if I were ever to have one). The weaving in and out would be necessary to maintain the long term aspect of our relationship. While the film isn't exactly what I see happening , its an eye opener to the life my lovers will have to contend with.
I carried on carrying these views for some time, at one point I gave up entirely on one night stands, and I had a couple of lovers who I dubbed as "fuck buddies" and eventually some emotions swelled up and they had to end (sometimes from me as well).
Phase Three: Polyamory
Our story starts with a lover and a holiday. I understand now that we're extremely similar , but at the time I just thought she was kool. She explained to me the concept of polyamory and it completely sunk in, I felt my entire essence reverberate with the word and years of misguided outlooks about relationships just vanished at the very thought. Polyamory means having multiple relationships. I define it , because I have to for the reader, but it has no clear definition to me. To me it means the heart is no longer restrained by cultural relationship views. The general gist of it is that you have more than one relationship.
An ideal example would be similar to the following:
1) Have a relationship with someone who is emotional, kind, thoughtful, philosophical, and enjoys talking about her feelings and the like.
2) another relationship where she is fun, outgoing, throws caution to the wind, and is crazy.
3) A third where it is not physical, you just enjoy some time alone talking and perhaps watching a film and spooning.
4) A fourth where you like to read the same things, love to debate about intellectual topics, and perhaps play some kind of sport.
At this point you might say that some of these aren't relationships, they are just friends ships. I call these relationships because of the emotional aspect you place on yourself to your various lovers. Having this many lovers also helps with both my need for constant change and my not-wanting-to-get-bored-of-my-lovers.
I've read quite a few reference on polyamory and generally non-monogamous relationships. Most seem to be geared towards how-to and step-by-step guide and the like. I would have liked there be more resources about the mindset, reflections, lessons, and others. But I have found that most of these resources are geared towards lovers who are not polyamorous, but are with a partner who is. So they need this support and reinforcement and I can support that. That's not to say I didn't learn some valuable lessons:
I don't have any jealousy. Let me repeat it if you don't believe me, I FEEL ZERO JEALOUSY. and if I were to feel any jealousy I would turn inwards and scold myself for feeling that horrid feeling. I understand that most people do feel jealous though and cater to their needs. If someone feels jealous its important to sit down and determine what fear/insecurity brought it up and address the issue. This action coupled with the belief that your partner is committed to your welfare and the relationship, makes for an effective way to deal with it. (a post about jealousy will be coming in the future)
2) Transparent Communication
We're all aware of the couple who hit a roadblock in their marriage because the husband lied and said he was going to the cinema, when in fact he went to play poker with his friends. The act in itself wasn't treasonous in it self but the lying was what hurt the wife. In non-monogamous relationships open transparent honest communication is more important than ever. Talk about what you did/how you feel/what you feel purely for the reason that you and your partner(s) are always on the same page.
3) Own your feelings / Emotional Control :
Owning your feelings means understanding that there is no responsible for how you feel but you. Someone else's actions may trigger some emotions in you, but that's not their fault , and you need to understand. If they decide to alter their actions because of the way you felt, that's cus they are nice people not because they have to/feel obliged to. The natural progression to this is emotional control. For me emotional control mean that I can control the amount of emotion flowing. I'm always aware of how happy/ in love/ depressed I feel. I can also control it and shrink or grow however needed. This important aspect of my survival. and while I may one extreme of control that most people won't have, we all have an element of control if we believe we do. An example would be when you stop yourself from feeling in love with someone we cannot be with them. And then letting your feelings run loose when you are with them. It's important to note that you can never go have full control of emotions or go completely against them. But much like a river of very viscous fluid, it can be guided , not controlled.
so with these three in mind there can happy polyamorous relationships. The biggest problem is finding someone who understands these principles. not an easy task. Most of my lovers have one or two. Only one I'm met in my life has all 3. She also happens to be my lover.
There have been some unforeseen implications because of this life choice that I actually quite like.
Symptom: crushing on someone who is unavailable
Old solution: Do not look at her or engage, escape and ignore to avoid more unwanted feelings.
New Solutions: I wonder is he's willing to share or ask to be part of threesome.
Symptom: Hot girl who doesn't want a one night stand.
Old solution: Oh well! I don't want to offer her a committed relationship.
New solution: I can offer something more, but on my terms.
Symptom: see someone in a very touchy feely relationship
Old solution: feel jealous and try and ignore
New solution: see if they wanna share :-D
The biggest implication is that now I can let myself feel some emotions without the need for me to reign it in , in fears I would get attached. I let myself feel that crush or the feelings I have for someone.
Bringing it all to an end with a point that is important and has the most impact on my life. I'm still new and experimenting with this lifestyle. This means two things:
If its like most things , I'll do it for a while then get bored of it. Then I will know I am not naturally this way inclined and it was all a passing passion. So I'm going to go forwards carefully and see how I feel about this. I may have to step out of it and revisit it at some later date if it proves to be like most fleeting things.
2)Adapt the Business Model
Starting with the person who I learned the word from, right up to every author I've read about the topic. I will adapt all their views and insights to create my own model. I'm going to cater the lifestyle to my liking, not try and fit my life to that lifestyle. This is going to be the hardest/funnest part. Adapting and changing is what I do best and I intend to morph into what makes sense the most. I love challenging myself, the bigger the better.