thank you for all the kind words and yes I became intimately acquainted with the Kübler-Ross model for grief when I lost my father a few years back...
it does help to be a little more self-aware to understand your own feelings and cope with them
I guess my main problem is that I feel as if I have no right to feel the things I do. I've had this amazing woman there right next to me the entire time(who has also been warning me for 3 years about how my connection with J would only lead to more pain and grief)...and she is so empathetic that when i do turn to her to tell her how upset I am that she also gets upset
I see her face fall then I feel like a piece of shit for burdening her with my pain...
in the end it's all about communication and connections, and when we chose this more "complicated" lifestyle then were gonna have to deal with those extra complications from time to time
just trying to get to that next screen,
p.s. "gee-gee" was my pet name for 'J', funny how the universe likes to throw a little synchronicity our way