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Old 09-16-2012, 07:30 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,180
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So, properly Dude should be addressing this since he is the "straight, single guy" who got involved with a poly woman...but he is not on these forums so I will do my best (and ask him when he gets home if I did okay ).

It's not crazy, but it may be difficult. You may find that you have a lot of internalized assumptions that get turned on their head. (Sounds like you may have found a few already just reading this forum - such as that if she is dating she must be looking for a "replacement".) That's okay - you are entering brand-new territory. Even if it doesn't work out with this woman, you may learn a lot about yourself and what you really want out of a relationship (as opposed to what everyone is supposed to want).

Looking back, Dude is now convinced that his relations with married women have all gone much smoother than his relationships with single women (his previous experiences sound, to me, more like open/swinging than poly - but the husbands definitely knew and were on board). The standing hypothesis is that the married girls have a proven track-record of being able to maintain a relationship and have done a lot of "internal work" to get to where they are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
I'm not expecting or looking for a brother husbands thing. Or a threesome, as both my men are straight! So no there will be no bed sharing, but I don't rule out living near each other, having intertwined lives.
While I was not expecting or looking for a "brother-husband" type thing - that seems to be what I found. I always assumed that, as a poly-bi-girl my OSO would be a woman - sometimes life turns up unexpected possibilities.

Just to point out, it is possible to end up with bed-sharing and the occasional threesome even with two straight guys - I get the middle and LOTS of attention . (NOT everyone's cup of tea...depends on each person's preferences and comfort levels.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by RickX View Post
So the consensus is that I should be meeting the husband. Im having cold feet just thinking of that. Anyhow, if that will give me peace of mind and help minimize any future trouble, then it may be worth the try. And I feel she is worth all the hassle.
Yes, that is the consensus (with which I agree). The cold feet, I think, is perfectly normal - you are coming from a mono background and all of the baggage associated with that screams that this is a crazy idea. In your subconscious, I would think, there are these rooted ideas about "cheating" that are being triggered - your brain throws up all the responses about how a mono-husband is supposed to respond when someone is hitting on his wife. BUT...a poly-husband? You have no framework for that. HE would want to know that a.) you are a real person and not some psycho-stalker, and b.) that you are a good person who is not going to try to hurt the person he loves.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RickX View Post
But to tell you guys frankly, when I told her that my ideal relationship is long term and family-like, and she indicated that it may be possible, it did not occur to me that it might be in the context (poly context) of your experiences of being married and having a bf/life partner ... At the back of my mind, I rejoiced and was thinking that she might want me to replace her husband as his primary partner (or she was anticipating a separation) at some point in time (i apologize... i know this kind of thinking is a polyamory taboo...remember my mindset is originally mono). And thus, my reluctance to the possibility of meeting her husband.
OK...good. Kudos to you for recognizing your assumptions and realizing where they come from. So the question, for you, is IF she is poly and she doesn't want to leave her husband for you, is that OK with you? Are YOU okay with pursuing a "long-term and family-like" relationship with someone who also shares that type of relationship with someone else? It is okay if you are not.

Intellectually Dude knew that I had NO intention of leaving MrS but it would still slip into his mind on some level at times. He would say things that would have been appropriate mutterings of endearment to a mono-girl that would leave me cold. Many conversations ensued.


Quote:
Originally Posted by RickX View Post
Lastly, if I get to meet both of them, will I not be giving an impression that I want to have a relationship with both of them, like a triad? Im a straight guy, and has no plans of a 3-way relationship. No idea what the sexual orientation of her husband could be
As a matter of strict fact, if you are in a relationship with her you ARE in a relationship with both of them - but this IN NO WAY implies that you are agreeing to a triad (which it doesn't seem that she is looking for). In "poly-talk" your relationship with him would be one of "metamour" (you would share a lover but not be involved with him in any sort of romantic/sexual context). Some metamours are aware of who the other is and have no other interaction. On the other end of the spectrum - Dude and MrS are best friends and we all live together. There is no rule about how close metamours have to be (although tons of speculation about what works best - I would think the minimum would be "cordial acquaintances" - but you at least have to meet the guy for that to happen.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
In my "dream world" we will have property with several homes on it-and the guys won't be in the same house, but we'll all be on the same property.
In my "dream world"...each person has a suite/cabin/structure connected to the main house on the same property (I have around 25 acres so this is actually do-able). The "main house" currently has exactly one bedroom - which we share. The tentative plan is to eventually build a bachelor cabin for Dude which connects to the main house - so he can entertain without bringing "other people" into my home (which is a huge trigger for me).

Jane ("To-each-their-own")Q
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 09-16-2012 at 07:34 PM.
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