Thread: Vicki's Journey
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Old 09-16-2012, 06:06 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 197

Thanks for your advice. I did send him an email yesterday and tried to emphasize that I just wanted to be listened to and that I understood that things needed to be the way they are.

I felt a little better after sending it, but when I got his reply I felt really awful and ashamed of myself. I've been really selfish and as a result I burdened someone I love at a time when I should be supporting him instead. He sent me a really detailed email where he told me how much he loves me and misses me, but that he hardly has time now to eat and sleep, let alone anything else. He really explained to me what is going on with his wife, and I know I'd be a complete wreck in his situation and unable to function. He's managing to juggle his worries about her along with significantly increased work responsibilities plus a major home renovation. I shouldn't have been surprised that he has little time for me right now. And he did warn me it was going to be bad. I just didn't realize it would hurt this much anyway.

I don't know if it makes me a bad person or if it makes me human, that I _knew_ all this stuff before and still I was concerned about my own feelings. I don't think I had as vivid a picture as I do now though. I really just want to cry because I'm sure I hurt him and it does make me a bad person to add to his worries at a time like this.

I am so scared about tomorrow that I want to just hide in my room, and again, my feelings are partly selfish which again brings on that great wash of guilt. At least part of me is altruistic; I want his wife to be healthy because I want him to be happy. I didn't realize that if tomorrow goes poorly, she might have to have open heart surgery and that is terrifying. He is deeply in love with her and I don't know how he can even get through the day with that hanging over their heads. Her risk of complications is also much higher than a normal heart patient since she has a very rare and serious condition. She might die.

He has told me that if they get bad news tomorrow, our relationship will have to go on the back burner, and of course that's what I would want him to do. Family has to come first. I know that on a personal level it will be emotionally devastating for me, but I can only imagine how she is going to feel and she will need his complete focus and support.

I really just need a good cry right now. Unfortunately H is out of town for work again and I've got my three year old to look after, so Mommy's needs are coming last. Sometimes, that's just how it needs to be. But I could really use some hugs right now.
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