EMOTIONAL FLOODING: CLOSING UP CODE
OK, so we went into the emotional spaghetti code. We're still not all the way out. And I need more work to get things lined up. Life does not always allow expression when you need it, but that's what bookmarks are for. I need to make a bookmark with him at least at the right moment and come back to expression later. Then my emotional internal code can read alright to me.
FEELS ought to link to their EXPRESS.
Otherwise you derail into the IF THEN ELSE one of
IF I feel something
THEN I must express it appropriately
ELSE I am too full emotionally. Kinda fun when too full of whee! Kinda sucky when too full of GRR. But in the end emotional indigestion is indigestion.
So code style summary of the whole shebang. Only using colors for visual cues and indents like in code.
Feel fragile kooshy "aaaawwww!" feelings for DH in office
Get distracted feeling "UGH!" Work problem feelings in shower
Get distracted feeling mixed drug feeling cocktail (aka : emotional flooding) <--- here's the emotional code bug. Messing up my alignment. Ugh. Oranges should bracket reds. Express "Ugh!" work problem feelings in dining room first and then check on subroutine.
ENTER SUBROUTINE: Go deal with processing of emotional flooding things in journal to get the emotional vomit out of the way. Try to harvest usable nuggets initially and then over the next few days.
Meta Feel "yay!" emotional and mental intimacy feelings toward DH because we navigate a flood THING well.
Express how emotional flooding handling went. (it was just the initial findings on the day of happening. More to come later as I digest.)
Express fragile kooshy "awwww!" feelings for DH in bed <-- we are here in this post. Trying to tie up weirdly nested emotional spaghetti code so each FEEL got it's matching EXPRESS
PENDING Meta Express "yay!" emotional and mental intimacy feelings toward DH
. (Oooo. Potential mixing emotion drugs again sighted. And those play nicely. Back burner that. )
SCENE 5: THE BEDROOM
We get ready to sleep. He's already in bed when he announces he's done for the night. I respond that I'm going there myself in a minute. I brush my teeth and floss, thinking about blog entry I've been writing and noting my action list items.
I go to bed and announce we are NOT having sex. Because we have a chronic problem lately with lack of sleep, and staying up to hanky panky while fun has us paying out of the sleep bucket. (My intent is to express the kooshy fragile at this time and I'm laying out NON DISTRACTY SPACE to do it. )
He grins and agrees. But informs me I can sleep naked. You know. If I wanted to. (ARGH! He is distracting me! Of course I want to! I get nekkid!)
I own that I took over the convo earlier and derailed and wanted to hear about his bucket checks.
I thanked him for complying with standing Meta Request to be very stern and firm with me if I go hopping on a crazy train (of emotional flooding).
DH: You are welcome.
ME: I know that's hard to do, and I applaud you doing it. It works out SO much better in the end. Even if the moodlet me gets stroppy about it in the moment.
ME: I try hard not to fling unfair anger your way but a small dose of productive anger helps me get myself out of there.
DH: I know that. I understand that. And you are kooshy.
He was changing topic. So I mentally deliberately changed gears.
Me: Ah. You read my blog entry then.
ME: Well, I'm working on another one describing the flood process. I'm sure to you it felt like “where the hell is this coming from?”
DH: Yes. It did.
ME: We did a bad there not completing bucket checks. I didn't get on to Heart and Soul. And you didn't remind me to finish or present your own buckets besides Body. We could do better there next time.
DH: I agree. But we're all good. I'm good in buckets.
ME: Tell me about it.
We spent some time completing the bucket checks we'd started, going over loosely (because he knows I'll write a longer blog entry for deeper plumbing depths) how we handled the flooding, and then backing up one entry in my blog thread to cover breaking up well.
ME: You know what? If you came to me and told me for some reason you had fallen out of love with me... that you loved me but were not IN love with me? I'd set you free. It would kill me because I do love you and I am in love with you, but I would set you free. Because I love you so.
DH: I know that. As would I. But that's not even a question.
ME: I know, but it needs talking about.
DH: I know, but the magic is still there for me. If anything we get worse.
ME: I know. The spark is still there for me. We tend to it well. I like to think if tending was missing or lacking we could speak up about that and get on with re-tending. But if re-tending did not work we could part well.
DH: (laughing) Be nice to my ex or I KILLLLL YOU!!!!
ME: (laughing) Well, if we still feel that way about each other I don't see anyone having to be killed because we aren't parting ways and are not exes.
I get all gushykooshy teary and enjoy laying in his arms with my head on his chest and he stokes my back.
Savoring the bittersweet sweet moment.
Then I start shifting out of his embrace because I want to kiss him. Because I am feeling all lovey passionate about this crazy man that is my husband.
And the crazy man goes “What are you doing?” in an alarmed way.
Me: I am trying to kiss you, silly. Why?
DH: Oh. Because it is dark.
ME: (having the giggle fits) You make it hard to kiss you. Now I am giggling.
DH: Well, we are not the most graceful. It IS dark. I don't want us to clonk ourselves.
ME: (still giggling) OMG! Clonking! See? This is WHY I love you. I'm all "Oh, I love you so!" and then you come out of left field with “Help! It is dark! Look out for clonks!”
DH: (somber voice on purpose) Clonks have happened.
ME: (snickering) Agreed. But it IS funny.
DH: Ok, Kettle.
ME: Alright, Pot.
DH & ME almost at the same time:
When it starts to move out into our personal banter code for knowing each other WAY too well? Both where we are so in sync we are like two peas in a pod or when we are so contrarily the same it's like the pot calling the kettle black?
You know what happens next.
It devolves into shenanigans of the sexy kind.
Which it did. And that so satisfies. Mixing emotional drugs in a good way.
Meta Me: Hee hee. Moved from back burner to front burner. Score!