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Old 09-16-2012, 02:19 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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EMOTIONAL FLOODING: WHEN OVER, WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE BETTER?

SCENE 4: MY DESK

I went back to my desk to sort myself out by writing in my journal.

MAIN TOPIC: What I could have done better? Him?

I could have stopped, dropped, and rolled. (I know that's for your clothes being on fire, but it works for emotional flooding. Other things are on fire then.)
  • I could have STOPPED the conversation. Way back in the bathroom even.
  • I could have DROPPED into my internal mental files to check in with our playbook of how we agree to treat each other.
  • I could have DROPPED into my internal mental files to check in on Jedi Conflict Resolution agreement.
  • Then once having checked myself on those agreements, I could have ROLLED with it in this conversation with better grace.

Since I did not do it in the heat of the moment, let's do it now. (And he could also develop the habit of stop, drop, and roll. I don't have to be the ONLY one checking the playbook internally.)

{Outer Meta note to self: Or maybe I did do a playbook reference in the gut. But my brain needed time to catch up? In reading back up there I see I was trying to be mindful of his needs but struggling in the moment to articulate that well. That I'm trying to look out for him too. Is he looking out for him? BOOKMARK.}

Playbook --

ME:

I failed to give him the right to clear communication because I did not finish all my bucket check ins first.

My bad.

Take home lesson: FINISH the check in before delving deep.

While I have the right to support and nurture, and did ask for it, I did not specify HOW I wanted it to come or in what shape until much later in the conversation.

Take home lesson: do that earlier. I could have owned the bit about knowing and stating my wants, needs and limits better from from the get go.

Make it a habit when asking for support/nurture from partner to define what KIND of support/nurture I am needing. HOW I wanted it to come in.


HIM:


He could not give me the right to constructive feedback because he was operating not fully informed.

He could have said, "Hold up there chickie -- finish the bucket checks so I know where you are coming from fully today. Don't sail into me on a deep Mind thing without showing me the rest."

He did not report his OWN state in the situation – neither bucket check in nor in the emotional flooding time. If I don't have the info I cannot give HIM the same back -- his right to constructive feedback. How can I package my words in a way he can hear if I don't know where he is at?
Meta: That adds to my frustration. Keeps me in a recursive feedback loop holding pattern I struggle to break out of. And if he tells me things like "I don't want you emotionally flooding. Be careful" I grow resentful because I don't want that either. Who wants to flood?

But I'm not getting information I can USE from him. And I have not yet learned all my skills so I can articulate this need in the moment.

Minder readering him drives me crazy. Here's more frustration to the pile. Wheee!
(META META: And there's the rub again to the work situation. Wanting information from someone I respect and value, but feeling like I have BEEN asking for it several times and I am not getting it in a way I can understand. I need to know what they want from me. I am trying to get that info. I am not getting it.

But I cannot ask the person how to do that better because the my problem is learning how to ask the person for info and they need to meet me halfway! SPEAK UP!)
He could be more assertive about taking HIS fair turn in these things so his voice is fully represented at the table.

He could not give me adequate support/nurture because he was operating not fully informed.

He could have said, "Sure. I'm willing to give you support/nurture. What shape? Who am I here in this role? Just a listening ear? Or a listening ear that also gives "fix it" suggestions? Because you SAY X and you seem to mean or need Y in support land. Please clarify you wants, needs, limits first. "
(Because it is a classic woman / man thing we fall into. Even KNOWING it is a classic woman / man thing!)


He told me several times the emotional price tag could be red lining here.

Oh, he SO shone here! I love him for doing this. If he has to fail on any plane I rather he fail on the mundane plane and stick to the Meta Standing Order!

I get my shit back together MUCH faster when he does this firmly!

The first time it was verbal. I know that. I don't remember the others times but the time at the dining table he made big swoopy arms when going “price tag is THIS BIG!” just like I have asked in the past.

I'm a visual learner, visuals will reach me well before audio penetrates well.

(DH: You rock here. PLEASE listen to the meta me telling you this IS the way to go. Even if the daily moodlet me is all atwitter. I need you to call me on it, tell me to STEP OFF, and make some visual gesture. Wave the chicken! )

Note: why doesn't he sate his own price tag state? I could learn to ask him for it. He could learn to just spit it out. That is refining the waving of the chicken. We can always improve.

While I feel better for the vent and recovered relatively fast from it? I could have spared myself the stress of emotionally flooding by telling DH ALL my buckets first.

So...yeah. Because I derailed into the deeper Mind bucket problems of the day triggering emotional flooding. Had I COMPLETED the bucket checks and moved down to Heart I could have reported the more pleasant gooshy kooshy fragile, and he could have talked to me from a placed of better informed.

Everyone own the pieces of the elephant. Tiny elephant, but don't need any in my living room pooping on the rug.

Progress, not perfection.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-16-2012 at 02:24 PM.
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