I see 3 major areas of sorting. And that is ok. Engagement time is the sorting time. DO NOT set a wedding date prematurely -- I see this all the time and think people forget what the purpose of engagement is FOR.
On the condition the our poly relationship become monogamous (She wasn't currently seeing anyone else after our triad split. Turns out she didn't love him as much as I did or as much as he loved her). I thought 'I love this woman to death, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else.' and agreed.
What does THAT mean? I am confused. What's going on there? You don't measure love. Take that measuring language stuff out and I'm hearing this
- You loved being in triad.
- OSO loved being in triad.
- Your fiancee did not love being in triad.
Then why be in it? Why compromise self/lie to triad partners?
Next clarify what you are Closing down to there.
- A monogamous marriage, no poly life expression at all on any tier? Closed in Mind, Closed in Heart, Closed in Body, Closed in Soul? That is one thing.
- Or the Closed Polyship of 2 -- where you may express your polyside inside this new configuration in the terms of fantasy, sharing readings, books, crushes from a far but not doing anything about them, keeping your poly community of friends, etc. Open in Mind, Open in Heart, Open in Soul but not take it out to Open in Body with another?
Either is fine -- you both just have to agree to it. Do you BOTH know with clarity what you both are signing up for there, and are both happy with it? Or will staying same or some third option for relationship shape be better?
You are changing relationships with a lot of others and will go through the stages of grief on each. That is normal, that does not necessarily mean your rship with fiancee is doomed. But that area needs some time to clarify too. It's good most of your community wishes you well, and it is appropriate your closet people/lovers are taking this seriously and solemnly. This is what engagement and marriage are supposed to be. Serious and solemn Life Changing Decisions not entered into lightly.
I don't know why people get all weird about feeling the feelings of serious and solemn. It doesn't have to be a BAD thing here.
Get through your processes in each area there. In preparation. Test the waters, try it on while an engaged man. Practice walking the path you will have to walk as a Married for a time of engagement. Before you sign up to be Married and walk that path for much longer. If you find you can or cannot walk this walk is THE POINT.
The end of the engagement period is the time to decide yay or nay.
That is what engagement is FOR. Have a long one! It is the time for both to seriously contemplate a major life decision.
You may find that yeah -- you are ready!
You may find that no -- it's better to keep things as is!
Or she is in mix match to you -- one is and one isn't! You BOTH have to be on a solid yes before going further.
Doesn't have to mean you lose each other in the processing. You jsut have to DO this processing together.
So you can both enter your marriage in good shape in all your buckets -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health.
Maybe you want a handfasting with your partner rather than a legal wedding for marking this time in your Lives. The Engagement Time.
are a year and a day but people can make them for however long it is they want that bond. You can even renew. To crank up your commitment level to your partner without taking it all the way out to a legal bond just yet. DO NOT RUSH.
DH and I recently did a ribbon ceremony to mark this time of being Open in Mind and Heart but not Body and Soul while talking about opening up later down in future. It's serious work. We wanted to mark it. Those who need to know we are in this time know those who don't, don't.
Years ago our own Engagement for Marriage to Each Other? I moved in with him. I told my parents (horrified but accepting when I explained self and told them I was not asking for their blessing. I was going in how I wanted to live my life!) and he told his (dad--you are grown up mom - I would fight you on this if it were anyone but her.)
The agreement was a year of living together and if good we announce our engagement beyond the parents. It was not good. We tacked another year on. It was good then. We were handfasted by friends at that point to mark that major turn and recommitment. It's basically our wedding. (Not even the parents knew/know that we almost broke up or were handfasted.) We were busy being Engaged and working on it -- including through the first big major conflict. That is what Engagement is for.
We let it simmer another year and a half to be SURE it was good, then got legally wed. That was open to all. Gave everyone time to try it all on, make sure all relationships were in good shape, etc. We were ministered too. Much later. There's no reason NOT to spread it around if that is what you wish.
Remember that you can have YOUR relationship with her unfold and come in whatever shape/styles you and she decide it to be. You write your own story here.
Congratulations on your engagement! I hope your processing time together goes the way you both want it to go and more importantly -- the way it NEEDS to go for both your best selves. Even if you discover that marriage may not be IT just yet. The engagement experience shared will draw you close anyway. That can be a wonderful, deepening thing to share.
And you can always enter engagement again at a later time to see if "Is this
the Right time? The Right place in our lives? For this new Change we are engaged in contemplating?"
Take heart, here. BREATHE.