Definitely agree that relationships are a privilege and having time for more than one is certainly a privilege.
I believe being polyamorous and living poly are two different things. Much like Tonberry said-I believe I am inherently polyamorous-and bisexual. But, being poly and bi doesn't mean I am living poly or bi.
Ironically for us-one of the benefits of poly is that it allows us financial stability and security we wouldn't have otherwise-because we do live together in the same home, sharing all of our expenses. So, while I comprehend the argument being made regarding that-it's not relevant to us personally. But, I do know other people who it is very pertinent to.
I don't personally know any "nonwhite" polys who are out; almost all of the poly's I know are lgbt. I think probably because most of them I've met through lgbt groups maybe? In fact, its been specifically noted that my two straight guys are the only two straight guys in our poly circles. LOL! Neither of whom asked for, desired or in any way thought of being poly until I pressed it.
Regarding the abuse-I haven't personally encountered the ideology of not having the right to have any say so regarding your partners partners. Maybe because that would SO NOT FUCKING WORK for me or in my world? I have heard of others with that attitude-but my experience is that generally they are childless "daters" who don't prefer live in partners. That isn't to say that is the "norm"-just what I have encountered.
I do know one V that has a much much much more lenient attitude about metamours than we do-and even they have a say so...
I certainly can see how abuse could be fostered with those attitudes-but those attitudes aren't part of our lifestyle. We very much have agreed that we all concur on new partners-or they aren't new partners. Period. It annoys some people who just want to play-but we have kids at home and play isn't a PRIVILEGE we have in our lives (in that manner). So-they can search elsewhere.
I concur with Tonberry on veto-I understand that to be "no options-I said no period" and we don't buy into THAT-but we do believe that its imperative for everyone's two cents to be taken into consideration and decisions to be made "from the collective" to use a star trek reference. LOL! Not individually made-because every decision impacts all of us-therefore, we should all get to chime in on it.
I concur completely regarding the writers issues with the fact that many polys are DOING the same behavior as swingers-just calling it love. I also have clear lines between acquaintance, friend and lover and similar experiences regarding the amount of time I can handle being around them. Because its draining.
The PRIMARY reason I don't jump out and say "I'm poly" in public atmospheres, is because it gets taken to mean I'm available to have sex when in fact, I am not.
Before I will consider someone a potential partner, they are going to spend AT LEAST a year getting to know me, probably closer to 3-4 years. That's just a reality for ME. I don't desire or tolerate sex with people I don't ALREADY have a close, emotional bond to and I don't create close emotional bonds easily. So, it takes A LOT OF TIME and committed effort before someone is getting in the sack with me.
That has been something the "poly community" as they say, has looked down on me for. Suggesting that I'm sex-negative. In fact, I'm not-I am totally ok with ANYONE HAVING SEX WITH ANY OTHER WILLING PARTNER WHENEVER the HELL THEY WANT TO. But-I don't have sex unless I desire it (reaction from having experienced rape) and I don't ever desire it before there is a deep emotional connection.
"Love As Thou Wilt"