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Old 09-15-2012, 04:15 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,354

Part 1 of 2.

DISCLAIMER: Late at night. Just took meds. I tend to get very rambly, so bear with me.

You talk a lot. Like I do.

My anthropology pal told me women need 30,000 words a day to feel good. Men need 15,000. SOOOO much was made clear when she told me that. LOL.

So I gotta roll with NYC and LR there.

It's the woman/man thing. Women want to process it. Men want to fix it.
Women need lots of words. Men less.

Try to calibrate what "It" is that you are talking about FIRST before entering conversation. Over here I try to go very clearly --
"DH! Your mission if you choose to accept it...

I need to vent and steam valve and process for about an hour. That is the IT.
  • Your job here is to be Mr Ear and Mr Time Keeper.
  • You can raise your hand to ask me questions for clarification or help me get through my process. I will call on you to speak. I do not like my process time derailed with interruptions without warning. Wait to be called on.
  • At the end of hour, I will give you a report and tell you if I need any other things done by you.
Right now you are Mr Ear and Mr Timekeeper. Do you accept your mission?"
And there we go. We do really well when I'm clear from the start about my needs in This Time and in This Place.

I would do some condensations. I would also hold my own bag. Here is what I mean.

It is just always heated when I have to remind him of his poor habit:
I am concerned or struggling with something. I make a decision on how to handle it but when it has to do with him, I run it by him at least to let him know what I'm going to do. He is such a I'll fix it type that his initial reaction is always to remove whatever he perceives is the source of the concern.

I'm not hearing a mission with spec there. It derails and I am not sure you hear HIM. (more in a sec on that.)

HOW exactly do you do the telling? Do you use the imperative when you run it by him? Something like
"I have made a decision! I will be doing X tomorrow! If this is a problem with your day tomorrow, this is the time to speak up. Give feedback, please. So we can come to agreement. You good or not?"
is a different thing than
"I am thinking about doing X. Is that ok with you? How would you feel about that if I did that? I'm not sure if that's what I want to do but I think I do. Maybe tomorrow?"
Because a basically people pleaser guy is gonna go "Aw, I perceive you to be stuck and not sure. And I can do that for ya, babe! There. I solved your stuck- not-sureness!"

If that is NOT what you want, you need to change how you play your song. Tell him want you DO want from him.

Smaller, shorter words, more direct. Condense. Not into a QUESTION. Into an imperative statement.

"I have made a decision! I will be doing X tomorrow! If this is a problem with your day tomorrow, this is the time to speak up. Give feedback, please. So we can come to agreement and I can get on with my day. You good or not? "
There. Much clearer, he has a job to latch on to if he's one of those "acts of service" people who like doing that as their love language expression thing.

"Give her feedback so she can get on with her day-ness. Yay! I know my job! I can say if I am good or not!"
You cannot change him. If you KNOW he goes all white knight on ya when you sing the song that way? Why KEEP singing it that way?

You can only change YOUR tune and how you communicate with him. Only HE can change him. So sing a different song. See if that works better.

(part 2 coming up)

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-15-2012 at 04:54 AM.
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