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Old 09-15-2012, 03:05 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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SHORT ANSWER

Talk to you fiancee. Stop avoiding it. Put your communication and conflict resolution skills into play here.


I have no idea why you guys don't change birth control if the pill is killing your drive, hon. See doc about your best options for your needs!

You will feel silly if that is all it is.

But if it is deeper than that -- it is a change in your heart? If you have fallen out of love with him -- do not be avoidy about having the Big Conversation about that and choosing to break up totally (monoamorous), change the relationship configuration (polyamorous), or some kind of mix and match thing there between the two. I write it that way because I do not know your wiring or his wiring or how you like your relationship shapes to come in or what. Most of life is Spectrum.

Long answer below. Use at will.

BREATHE. Be true to yourself. You will be ok in the end regardless of outcome here. IF you are honest, ethical, and true.

hugs
Galagirl
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LONG ANSWER

Quote:
I'm 22, female, engaged to my fiance whom I've been with for over 4 years. We will be getting married on our next anniversary.
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We got together very young and both of us have limited sexual experience
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I also feel like the rest of our lives is a long time to spend just having sex with each other. I want to have the variety of experiences that sex with other people could give me.
Are you sure you have not fallen out of consummate love and want to change the relationship shape but don't want to do the "process of breaking up" or the "process of changing shape" because you are being avoidy about having the conversation about it?

Quote:
I don't know how to tell him that I'm really interested in opening our relationship. I don't know how he would take it. I don't know if now is the right time. Instinct says maybe we should wait until we're married,
DEFINITELY NOT. That is being AVOIDY. And if you are being AVOIDY in talking with him because you have fallen out of love, being MORE avoidy and turning into a liar is not the answer. Lies of omission are still lies. Getting married is a big Life Decision and holding information back is a lie of omission. Do not do that. It would not flatter you.

If you want to know those things in bold -- you have to have a Big Conversation with him to FIND OUT his position. If you cannot have Big Conversation with your husband to be -- you have no business getting married. I know that is a strong opinion of mine -- but seriously. Life is LONG. There's a lot of shit to handle -- can't hack this small first Big Convo at the beginning? Does not look good for long haul. Either for a marriage to this man or for your future polyships if you go there. COMMUNICATION is vital. Why are you avoiding practicing your communication skills? Are you afraid your conflict resolution skills are weak? How do either those get strong without exercise?

Quote:
but now we don't have those times and opportunities. Like I said I definitely do think communication is something we need to step up on, but I just feel like I'm fumbling for how to do that without seeming like I'm saying "Honey, we need to Talk" in that way.
See? More avoidy. Spit it out. Announce your need for a Big or Deep Conversation time and mark appt on calendar. This is how you maintain mental and emotional intimacy with a partner. You make the time to have it in.
If your actual skills need help -- county extension offices usually have communication classes for couples. So do other places -- houses of worship, libraries, see a counselor, read a book.

I've been with DH near on 20 years. We MAKE the time to tend to the relationship and MAKE the time to have Big Conversation. The time does not magically arrive from the skies once people are married, working, raising kids, etc. If you can schedule time for care and keeping of your teeth with your dentist but do not schedule time for the care and keeping main relationship you have with your partner, how to you fancy you will schedule the time for all the peeps in your future polyship, hon? That is MORE partners, MORE commitment to tending to people. You make the time to see your dentist but not your peeps?

The ethical thing to do here is to postpone wedding and really sort yourself out FIRST. Then sort out your relationship with him.

DO NOT promise monogamous marriage arrangement and then change the game on him. That is promising false goods and lies of omission. You can print this post and just GIVE it to him to read. It does not matter HOW elegant it is done. It matters that it is done. Do not cheat your fiancee out of HONEST from his partner. Do not be avoidy.

DO NOT get married promising polyamorous arrangement without defining what that is first.

Have you taken pre-marital class yet? Either from your faith institution or the County extension office? Shit gets REAL when you get married. You need to be prepared well.

And you do not sound prepared to me.

You also sound unsure on the polyamory thing. Being unsure is TOTALLY OK. I'm not being mean to you here.

But do not avoid that. Just state to self and to partner "I AM UNSURE. I need space and time to be sure."

Postpone is nothing. Hit the snooze tag button if you need it!

You can always put the wedding plans back on once you are sure.

And if you come to find this is NOT it? Better a broken engagement than a broken marriage. Keep it real over there.

Quote:
I'm afraid that trying to open up will ruin our current relationship.
It would change it the shape of it. Yes.

Ruin? Not necessarily guaranteed. If it comes down to the wire and he wants CLOSED marriage and you want OPEN marriage -- that's ok. Break up and continue to be loving as companionate love friends. There's all kinds of love -- not just consummate love. You change the shape of it to a loving friend model. You do not have to lose him. Who knows? 20 years later you change the shape again!

But LYING to yourself and to him? That's a guaranteed ruin. Eventually it comes out. And then there's a big mess. MUCH harder to get over. Trust is shattered.

I've with with DH this long and he's poly-friendly monoamorous and I'm polyamorous and he knew it from Day 1. I think a large part of the success of that is he always has known what I have here for offer.

You sound like a nice person. Just confused. Stop, take a deep breath, relax. Then one thing at a time.

Figure out what you want. Really want. It may or may not be with this partner in THIS shape. And that too is OK. There can be good break ups and change relationship shapes without losing your loved ones.

Hang in there. BREATHE. Then talk to your fiancee. Make a time, and do it. Might even take a few appointments. So you can have mental breaks in between sessions. That is ok. BUT DO IT.

hugs
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-15-2012 at 03:44 AM.
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