Originally Posted by Jayehare
I just can't get past the feeling that L's relationship couldn't get to the same place - meaning I'd be causing a world of hurt and still wouldn't be able to be with L in any sanctioned way. Is that worth it? Just to be truthful?
I'm going to be a little blunt here. The thing is, you really aren't concerned about the world of hurt, because at this point, there's no way for people NOT to get hurt. What you are concerned about is if you are honest, then you will lose him.
Give yourself a moment to realize that. The reason you are worried is that his spouse will not be willing to work into a poly relationship where you can still see him. It's okay to be worried about that. It is not okay to continually lie to people you claim to care about in order to mask that worry.
Over and over what hubby and I have discussed was that it wasn't the actual act that bothered him when we started. It was the lying. The consistent lying. That has to stop. Period. People are going to be hurt, yes. You'll have to deal with it. But please do not say that your worry is for him. If you were worried ONLY for him, you would want him to be honest with his wife. You are worried that she will not agree, and you will lose him. Own it. Deal with it.