Originally Posted by dingedheart
I think what she is saying is that because of the close and historical aspect of their relationship as 2 couples. That telling her husband the truth would most definitely cascade into his spouse finding out one way or another. The unpredictability of the reaction and subsequent actions on the husbands part going forward is the fear not so much for her but for the bf.
Exactly! It's a small town, and our friends are all shared and all close. So if I come clean with R, then two things could happen (assuming he's okay with it, which I think he would actually be).
1) He decides to not tell anyone else, and then he's burdened by our secret, and I get to feel better about myself (which doesn't seem fair).
2) He speaks openly about it, and it does immediately cascade into L's relationship, with unknown effects.
If I know my guy, he'd keep it private and be burdened by the knowledge whenever we all hang out, which is fairly frequently. Is that fair to him? Especially when he has said that he wouldn't want to know?
At the same time, I get that if I am to move this into legit poly territory, then honesty about what happened is a must. I just can't get past the feeling that L's relationship couldn't get to the same place - meaning I'd be causing a world of hurt and still wouldn't be able to be with L in any sanctioned way. Is that worth it? Just to be truthful?