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Old 09-14-2012, 03:01 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
It is just always heated when I have to remind him of his poor habit:
I am concerned or struggling with something. I make a decision on how to handle it but when it has to do with him, I run it by him at least to let him know what I'm going to do. He is such a I'll fix it type that his initial reaction is always to remove whatever he perceives is the source of the concern. He thinks he is being sweet and helpful and I just feel neutered in the moment because it often makes my decision impossible or pointless. I rarely get to make a decision and then find out if it solves my problem by implementing it. I'm not kidding. I tell him I don't like it. He responds with whats wrong with trying to make life easier for you? And it can take about an hour or two to get him to run out of white knight steam. It doesn't make life easier; quite the opposite. Somewhere into the second half hour of that's sweet but no thank you I don't need you to do that, I snap and start to get angry.

Just last night, I tell him about this thread and he starts talking about cancelling cake and bday and breaking up with her. This overkill solution only makes me regret saying anything to him at all. I tell him he is drowning me out again and I'll never get over hurdles if he just goes about removing any that I have. I'm telling him very clearly what I need and what I'm willing to do to help make it possible and he isn't hearing what I need. Nope he is too busy trying to build this unrealistic world of serenity to keep the princess in. It took two hours to get through to him that I can't live like that, he has to allow me to speak up for myself and find solutions that work for me. I am feeling flat and running around trying to remove anything that causes emotion is not what I need. Maybe its why I'm feeling flattened out in the first place? . . . This is what I deal with when I state my needs. I get treated like an invalid for having them. Being treated like an invalid brings out the rude in me.
I know this argument with Mr. Fixit very well. My ex always wanted to offer solutions when all I wanted was for him to listen to me. I would keep on telling him to stop and then I'd get pissy and the original problem was buried under my rebellion at him telling me what to do or trying to fix what he thought I couldn't handle. Ugh. I would say, "I need to fall down in order to learn how to pick myself up!"

Eventually, I learned to start my conversations with: "Honey, I need your ear. Right now, I don't want you to solve anything for me, so please just listen and let me get it out, okay? If I do need your help on something, I will let you know." I explained to him that, quite often, simply the act of saying things out loud enabled me to arrive at my own solution. He got it after a while, and became a much better listener.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-14-2012 at 03:05 PM.
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