ON MY LOVE LANGUAGE PT 1
This is an excerpt from this thread.
1) You are over thinking it.
2) Stop measuring love or trying to measure it. Just let it be what it IS.
3) Why can't you say to Honey Bunny -- "Oh, Honey Bunny! You have all my Honey Bunny love! Wheeeee!" Because you hold nothing back from loving Honey Bunny.
4) Why can't you say to SweetiePie -- "Oh, SweetiePie! You have all of my SweetiePie love! Wheeee!" Because you hold nothing back from loving Sweetie Pie.
5) Do you hold anything back from loving YOURSELF? (I suspect you might somewhere.)
When I was a hinge, it would pain me when BF2 would call be "Dearest GalaGirl" because exBF used to call me that and that break up was horrible and painful.
I explained that inittiall and BF2 accepted it and rolled with it a while.
Then it came up again later he would express himself and call me "Dearest GalaGirl" and when I'd protest anew?
He firmly told me "That is ridiculous. You ARE my dearest GalaGirl, and I'm NOT going to limit the expression of MY feelings for you just because you have some weird hang up thing still leftover from some ex. I'm NOT going to stop calling you my dearest because you ARE my dearest. So THERE. Even if right now you are being my most dearest GalaGirl pain in the ass. I STILL love you. Try to stop me! Sheesh!"
And I laughed.
And he was right.
So did the inner work I needed to do to be able to let "leftover breakup exBF feelings of ugggghhh" go so I could enjoy BF2 without exBF ghost hovering around bugging me/him/us.
Interestingly it was never a direct issue with BF1 (now DH) because he NEVER calls me by name! Even after almost 20 years together! Though I'm sure he benefitted from my having done that work and relaxing more into the relationship with him too.
He calls me "hey you!" with a grin of affection. Or he calls me made up names. "Babe" is the mildest and probably most common in love language parlance that I can see. My sister is also "Babe" to her hubby. But I seriously doubt he's calling her things like I am called -- monkeybutt, pumpkinhead, foghorn, hobbitfeet, etc.
DH has odd humor and what is endearing to him about me just is what it is.
And among what endears HIM to me? Is that very odd sense of humor. LOL.
Dig deeper there and figure out why that pings you. Why DON'T you feel entitled?
I know that love is not a finite thing, but I don't feel entitled to use that language.
Why is your expression style of your own love feelings not enough for YOU?
Why is it in competition with how your Others express themselves in THEIR style? OR what about their style is bothering you?
If we're talking about the book and the related quiz on love languages?
Of course, that these things are going to CHANGE over time depending on needs. I just took it now. Here's that snapshot in points order:
9 Acts of Service
9 Physical Touch
6 Quality Time
6 Words of Affirmation
0 Receiving Gifts
DUH. I'm doing a massive house cleaning. Of course I'm big on acts of service right now -- I need help! And physical touch is always my number one.
I did not keep the weight scores but last year the order was Touch, Words of Affirmation (I was going through a tough time with the parents and Dad's eldercare needs), then quality time (because all my time seemed hogged with parents and I needed couple time) and then acts of service and gifts with a big gap with those two. (Who gives a damn about the house!? We are in crisis!) and (My god -- no more STUFF! I don't need more clutter, and gifts mean nothing to me right now! My people are in crisis!)
But that's a sidetrack Shiny Thought.
The love language I am talking about is literally the love language I use with my loved people.
It's charged with verbal banter and humor.
I love my kid to pieces and an exchange would go something like this when she was very small -- like 3 years old.
ME: You are the BEST kid in this house!
Me: You know you are the ONLY kid in this house right? It also means you are the worst.
Her: (horrified) No! I rather have the best!
Me: Ok, have the best. You are the BEST kid in this house!
Her: Oh, yay! (if she knew the expression she would have said "Oh, thank the maker! The heavens!" She didn't then so it was just "Oh, yay!" of relief.)
Then she grew up some.
Me: You are the BEST kid in this house!
Her: Mom, I am the only kid in this house. I have to be the best.
Me: Ok. You are also the WORST kid in this house!
Her: Mom, you are weird. (insert eye roll)
Then she grew up some more.
Me: You are the BEST kid in this house!
Her: Yep. I'm also the WORST kid in this house. Muahahahahaha.
Me: Hey! You can't be doing that! Beating me to my punch line!
Her: Muahahahaha. I know all your jokes, Mom.
Me: Dang it! Now I have to go make some new ones!
Her: You know what?
Her: You are the WORST mother in this house!
Me: Hey! You can't be doing that! Now you are stealing my own jokes!
Her: Don't worry. Secretly you are the best mom in this house.
Me: Well I KNOW that! But you are still a joke stealer! Outrage! Infamy!
Her: What's that mean?
Me: Ha! Ha! I can still win! I have big vocabulary!
Her: (laughing) You are weird. What does that mean? Infamy?
Me: It means...
Then she grew up some more. We are here.
Her: Hey, Mom! Guess what?!
Her: I am the WORST kid in this house!
Me: I don't need bad children. Is this some kind of Calvin and Hobbes announcement? Did you blow up something?
Her: Mom! That's NOT how it goes! I don't blow things up.
Me: (Alright. Just checking.) OMG! She's the worst kid in this house! Help! Doom!
Her: (That's better.) But you know I'm the best kid right?
Me: Aye. Best kid in this house. (hugs)
I am waiting for her to grow up some more so it can change into
Her: Hey, mom! I'm the worst kid in this house!
Me: WHAT kid, Kid? You grew up. Muahahahaha! Gotcha! I win! I wiiiiin!
Her: Mom, you are so weird.
Only not too fast. I'm enjoying Kid being a kid.
As with child, my love language to my romantic partners evolves over time. It's still wrought with humor and weird and affection. It doesn't mean I love DH any less just because I used words like "baby, hon, sweetheart" with him that also were used with previous boyfriends.
Those are part of my general loving vocab pantheon. Even the kid gets those.
But there are some that have developed that are unique to him. There's banter and exchange that are unique to him. Some things are earned.
Last night I went to an old,old exchange pattern. From the college days when I wasn't quite ready to stop squirming about it when he expressed HIS love and affection for me. The FWB thing was changing. I wasn't ready to go there directly. In yesteryear it went something like this:
Him: I love you.
Me: You can't.
Me: I'm not me.
Him: What are you?
Me: I'm a frog.
Him: Alright. I love frogs.
Me: I know. I might change my mind though.
Him: To what?
Me: I dunno. Mebbe I feel like being a potato bug today.
Him: That would be interesting. You being a potato bug.
Me: I think I'll stick to frogs today though. If I were a potato bug some frog might hop along and eat me.
Him: Yeah, I can see where frogs would be better. I love frogs.
Me: Me too.
And we both knew we weren't talking about frogs at all even though we were talking about frogs too. Last night got the shortcut with the old banter.
Him: I love you.
Me: You can't.
Him: Why not?
Me: I'm a frog.
Him: Alright. Are you a potato bug too?
And I grinned because he remembered.
Him: Ok. I love you frog potato.
There's a lot of exchanges we've built over the years for various things.
Even like what I was talking about last night. The banter of "We are having a fusspot, and we recognize it as a fusspot, and we despite recognition we will still have and finish this fusspot to satisfactory conclusion."
1st person : A horse!?
2nd person: A horse!
Together: My kingdom for a horse!
So really it is like
1st person : A horse!? (You know we're having one of those fusspot things right?)
2nd person: A horse! (Yep, I know. Another one. C'est la vie.)
Together: My kingdom for a horse! (Alright, we're on the same page then. Really we're good but the stupid fusspot must be had. Onward! Onward to fusspotdom!)
And on the Meta Level we both know we're not quoting it from shakespeare.
We're quoting it from Neil Simon's "The Goodbye Girl."
Only we're both simultaneously Paula AND Elliot. He has Paula moments. He has Elliot moments. I have Paula moments. He has Elliot moments.
And on the Meta Level? We both know we're on the same page.
Onward! Onward to continuing to weave a life together.