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Old 09-14-2012, 01:12 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 373

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I dunno -- You speak up. But you do not seem to share all the way across.

Like that soft limit thing. No time frame was given that was clear. So what YOU think is "too soon" might not match what I think is too soon. It's not like we agreed on 3 mos so there's no arguing possible. 3 mos is 3 mos. "Too soon" is different things to different people.
Yeah I went through those communication style lists and I'm kind of all over the board. You are right, I am not as clear as I could be and will sacrifice of myself rather than protect myself. I'll use vague statements and after a while if I keep getting put back in the same situation again and again an argument ensues. I guess firing a shot across the bow and hoping people will understand my "hit my limit" cue isn't going to work with this.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Then your problem is with him on the tier of your polymath. Tell him to straighten up. And HOW to do that.

Also with how your "V" agrees to be together. Do you have agreements? Or is it loosey goosey?
Well this is part of the issue and I think we're chugging along in getting it resolved. It is just always heated when I have to remind him of his poor habit:
I am concerned or struggling with something. I make a decision on how to handle it but when it has to do with him, I run it by him at least to let him know what I'm going to do. He is such a I'll fix it type that his initial reaction is always to remove whatever he perceives is the source of the concern. He thinks he is being sweet and helpful and I just feel neutered in the moment because it often makes my decision impossible or pointless. I rarely get to make a decision and then find out if it solves my problem by implementing it. I'm not kidding. I tell him I don't like it. He responds with whats wrong with trying to make life easier for you? And it can take about an hour or two to get him to run out of white knight steam. It doesn't make life easier; quite the opposite. Somewhere into the second half hour of that's sweet but no thank you I don't need you to do that, I snap and start to get angry.

Just last night, I tell him about this thread and he starts talking about cancelling cake and bday and breaking up with her. This overkill solution only makes me regret saying anything to him at all. I tell him he is drowning me out again and I'll never get over hurdles if he just goes about removing any that I have. I'm telling him very clearly what I need and what I'm willing to do to help make it possible and he isn't hearing what I need. Nope he is too busy trying to build this unrealistic world of serenity to keep the princess in. It took two hours to get through to him that I can't live like that, he has to allow me to speak up for myself and find solutions that work for me. I am feeling flat and running around trying to remove anything that causes emotion is not what I need. Maybe its why I'm feeling flattened out in the first place?

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You mean lies of omission? I smell a rat.
Oh it wasn't as big as all that fortunately. It had to do with stupid facebook and setting something private because I might get upset if I saw it. Really seriously benign stuff. But I hear you and told them both that is the behavior that affairs are born of and I won't have that brewing in my life. If they can't take the risk of being up front then I won't take the risk of them seeing each other. And that is a firm boundary I have clearly stated.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Tough beans. So long as you are not being rude about HOW you communicate it? Are you are being polite but firm about getting your own wants, needs, and limits heard?
I start off polite but move on to rude when I'm piled on with more than I'm asking for. I really don't respond well to someone hearing me ask for something and then offering me a cut up into smaller bite size pieces version. Say my kid comes to me and tells me he is having problems with Spanish class and would like a tutor. What good would it do him to just pull him out of Spanish class if he wants to put in the work but just needs a little help? This is what I deal with when I state my needs. I get treated like an invalid for having them. Being treated like an invalid brings out the rude in me.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
If he is checking in like you ask him (Because you say DO NOT GUESS! ASK FIRST!) you cannot get huffy when he executes it. That is not putting you in the spot of Debbie Downer. That is checking in like you asked.

THERE you just say "Thanks for checking in. No, stick to original plan. You need me to come get ya or is GF dropping you here or you take a taxi?"

Be consistent.
I will try this more. It is hard to be patient when I offer him a chance to stay over but he tells me to expect him to be home and then less than 6 hours later he is asking for it to change. He knows there are cabs. He knows she has a car. He also knows he said he'd be home. Whats to ask me about? But I will try harder in those instances. I did clearly state to him and her because he drug her in to defend him - he is a grown man and I expect him to make the decisions that keep him to his word. It hasn't been an issue since.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
HER? If she really is worrying about what she shares being used against her by you? She can learn to speak up. Or if you want to clear it up just so YOU are off the hook? Ask. "Hey! I get the feeling that you worry about what you share with DH being something used against you by me. If so? Know I would not do that. He does not overshare with me and if he does I tell him to cut it out and respect the TMI wall. Just wanted to reassure. Was my radar totally off or on the spot?"

Keep your own nose clean.
Yeah I intend to find a nice segue into something like the above. Like I said I start of real good with polite and it stays there with most people. Really its just Husband when he is giving me the princess treatment that drives me absolutely mad.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Why are you doing it?
I don't really know anymore. At first it was for the personal growth. The more he tries to make sure nothing ever furrows my brow the more I don't experience anything. And when all I did experience on my end was hurting someone and a run of frogs besides.....the incentive just isn't so clear anymore.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
So it sounds like you guys need to have a conversation in trio to pinpoint the tension point.

The one of "So... been dating a while. Not so newbie around here any more. Let us review our covenant for how we agree to together and decide what still works and what needs to change for the (define hunk of time before next check in. 3 mos? 6 mos?)"

Do you have any kind of framework for how you agree to be together so people can hold each other accountable?

I have made her one promise and I'm not sure he is going to let me live up to it if it comes down to this. I said she would not have to deal with an end to things without knowing what was going on. If something concerning her was becoming untenable, she would be brought into discussion before any big decision got made. I believe its not fair to "punish" someone without first telling them what they are doing is a problem and giving them a chance to fix it. Maybe they don't know what they are doing is a problem. Maybe they'd gladly do something different. Maybe a compromise can be reached.

Maybe its time she knows how often he jumps right to I'll break up with her as a solution? I don't know. That feels like it might be TMI if I'm the one cluing her in. My gut says no don't do that. It was just hard last night with him saying he was calling bday off and ending things with her for two hours knowing she was probably home doing cake prep work for what appeared to be no reason. I actually felt very protective of her and the effort she has been putting in for his bday. It also just feeds my growing feeling that all this open relationship stuff is just eventual pain for someone in the equation.

I'm trying to play it safe on that one and instead just bring my feelings about things to her if she has any part in them. Like maybe she needs to know that if its come down to me saying "Wow this has gotten tougher for me to deal with as you keep making offers and requests" it means I've hit my limit and please don't add more to the pile. Aaaaand maybe I need to just say I've it my limit; please don't add more to the pile.

Thanks GG. You're very sweet to take the time on me.
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