In Need of an Ear
Some of you may remember my recent inquiry and the subsequent discussion involving my feelings for a girl, R. A quick summation: I have been with L for 9 years and she and I have been married since 2007. I have only ever been monogamous, though I have never been comfortable with monogamy. About 4 months ago I started to develop feelings for R, and those feelings have since grown very strong. L knows of R and is understanding but not happy. R says poly is not for her and that she cannot return my affection. I decided not to pursue this any further.
Well, this is an update:
Not pursuing this has proved quite difficult. My feelings for R persist, despite my efforts to strangle them. I walk around in a daze, not feeling like part of the world around me, thinking about R. I feel like I might be in love with her, but another part of me tells me that is stupid. She lives 1000 miles away and I have only spoken to her online. That is a tremendously embarrassing admission, and I'd thank you to be kind in addressing it.
I feel like I'm on a road, right? The same road we're all on. But I've been carrying around far more weight that it's fair for anyone to have asked me to carry, and now I'm just too tired to take my next step.
Am I in love with two women at once? Am I in love with either of them? Do I even know how to love?
I'm a survivor of severe, long-term child abuse. Emotional abuse, I should clarify. Could it be that whatever emotional mechanism it is that makes people able to love doesn't function correctly (or at all) in me?
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry if this isn't the right place for this.