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Old 09-14-2012, 02:40 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,968

OK, I'll reply to your second post then. I'm back.

I get about not making people to read my mind. That part really doesn't apply to my style.
I dunno -- You speak up. But you do not seem to share all the way across.

Like that soft limit thing. No time frame was given that was clear. So what YOU think is "too soon" might not match what I think is too soon. It's not like we agreed on 3 mos so there's no arguing possible. 3 mos is 3 mos. "Too soon" is different things to different people.

I cannot however speak up to her when it isn't something I felt she had a responsibility in or that her behavior was in question. If I have a problem with him and he quietly takes it to her, not sharing is not sharing because I don't know she needs any clarification.
Then your problem is with him on the tier of your polymath. Tell him to straighten up. And HOW to do that.

Also with how your "V" agrees to be together. Do you have agreements? Or is it loosey goosey?

I did tell them that if ever they are wondering if something will bother me, they should ask rather than figure out some way for me to just be unaware of what they think will bother me.
That is garbled. Be more clear. Perhaps that is something you could work on. Shorter, clearer words like you are talking to a kid.
"Do not guess. Ask me first!"

That was what ended up happening and I only found out months later. They thought something would bother me and just went about making sure I didn't know when it happened. It was something dumb and petty but bugged me that their solution was to not ask and just make sure I never knew.
You mean lies of omission? I smell a rat.

I've made her very uncomfortable and embarrassed by trying to communicate too much. I'm dealing with knowing I have to speak up for myself and also knowing I freak her out by doing so.
Tough beans. So long as you are not being rude about HOW you communicate it? Are you are being polite but firm about getting your own wants, needs, and limits heard?

Everyone holds their own baggage. Learn not to freak out. Everyone deals with their own baggage.

You communicate. (The style could use a little more assertive maybe, and a little more clarity maybe, but you are spitting it out and getting it out there. Good for you!)

She needs more practice in not having a cow when receiving feedback? (Read a book, go to not having a cow class, own your own bag! She could say "thanks for the feedback. I will try to take it on board. For future reference, I prefer feedback come at me like ____by email, phone, whatever it is___ so I can receive it better. )

Let's be grown ups here.

She doesn't feel comfortable sharing with me and I don't like baring my vulnerabilities with someone who can't handle being vulnerable. Husband says I'm the odd duck and while he likes that I'm not afraid to talk about what I'm feeling, not everyone else is.
Well, so long as you are not TMI or being rude?

Tough. In my universe you sound like you are trying to hold up your end of the sticks.

You are responsible for
  • Knowing and stating your wants, needs, and limits

You would have the right to
  • clear communication
  • constructive feedback

He is getting better about remembering what I ask of him and fielding things that pop up in the moment without making me have to tell him what to do.
Another time involved a car situation during one of their dates. He said it would not be a sleep over night but then called at 11:30 to ask if he can sleep over at her’s due to car issue. I was annoyed because I was once again being put in the position of the heavy and a downer.
If he is checking in like you ask him (Because you say DO NOT GUESS! ASK FIRST!) you cannot get huffy when he executes it. That is not putting you in the spot of Debbie Downer. That is checking in like you asked.

THERE you just say "Thanks for checking in. No, stick to original plan. You need me to come get ya or is GF dropping you here or you take a taxi?"

Be consistent.

He has learned to inform me of what (when it has to do with me anyway) gets shared with her. This isn't something she is comfortable with on her end. I repeatedly get the feeling she worries what she shares will be used against her by me. This is the big hurdle I'm dealing with.
Nope. Everyone hold your own bag. YOU? Stop holding other people's.

It is his problem to be the TMI wall as the hinge. If she is not comfy with that, she can talk to the hinge about it. This goes both ways no -- he can tell YOU to step off if you encroach on TMI business or he thinks you are projecting/assuming things about her. Hinge can arrange for a talk in TRIO to hammer out a new TMI agreement if people are reporting the old way is feeling burdensome.

HER? If she really is worrying about what she shares being used against her by you? She can learn to speak up. Or if you want to clear it up just so YOU are off the hook? Ask. "Hey! I get the feeling that you worry about what you share with DH being something used against you by me. If so? Know I would not do that. He does not overshare with me and if he does I tell him to cut it out and respect the TMI wall. Just wanted to reassure. Was my radar totally off or on the spot?"

Keep your own nose clean.

How do I keep speaking up for myself when speaking up for myself only disappoints people and pushes them further away?
Let them hold their own bag.

If HOW you state your limits is not rude? Then just state it. I can tell DH my need for him to call me before he leaves work so I can get dinner going so we can all share a meal together when he gets home.

Polite but firm:

"DH, please hear me on this. I need you to call me before you leave work so I can have dinner ready by the time you get home. When you do not call, I feel frustrated with my dinner timing so all things are ready at once. Since I am doing you a kindness in cooking for you, please do me a kindness and work with me. What is the challenge to making a call? Discuss."


"You shithead! Why can't you bloody call? I work and I slave and what thanks do I get? You suck!"

If I had been rude he would have shut down and I never would have learned he needed new cel phone. Duh. There. Got one. Problem solved. Now he calls like clockwork. Cupcakes for all!

In my book that results in me wondering WTF are we doing this at all? And how am I suppose to trust someone who expects me to be untrustworthy?
Why are you doing it?

I don't have to be welcoming but I want to be. I don't have to interact with her and they could still date. I'm fine with only taking my stuff to him and as long as he lives up to our agreements whatever goes on with her is between them.

But it also means issues between he and I stay issues between he and I and she is left to twist in the wind and wonder. It can be that way, its just not ideal.

Especially now that they've been dating for 10 months. It would be nice if things could get more relaxed rather than more tense.
So it sounds like you guys need to have a conversation in trio to pinpoint the tension point.

The one of "So... been dating a while. Not so newbie around here any more. Let us review our covenant for how we agree to together and decide what still works and what needs to change for the (define hunk of time before next check in. 3 mos? 6 mos?)"

Do you have any kind of framework for how you agree to be together so people can hold each other accountable?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-14-2012 at 02:50 AM.
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