I know its forever long but thanks for taking the time.
I get about not making people to read my mind. That part really doesn't apply to my style. Pretty much my whole life has been learning to hold a little back because I can be TMI and intense. I DO speak up when I have feelings I'm working through. I cannot however speak up to her when it isn't something I felt she had a responsibility in or that her behavior was in question. If I have a problem with him and he quietly takes it to her, not sharing is not sharing because I don't know she needs any clarification.
I do get the rest though, I am struggling with being too accepting. Largely it is due to how often Husband sat at home alone during my relationship. Now things are going good for him and I want to be happy for him and let him enjoy it. I try to head problems off at the pass by communicating my needs to both him and her before any issues occur. To hear "hey let's not rush to mix the kids" and then quickly get asked to mix the kids feels pushy. I wonder am I speaking English?
I did tell them that if ever they are wondering if something will bother me, they should ask rather than figure out some way for me to just be unaware of what they think will bother me. That was what ended up happening and I only found out months later. They thought something would bother me and just went about making sure I didn't know when it happened. It was something dumb and petty but bugged me that their solution was to not ask and just make sure I never knew.
I've made her very uncomfortable and embarrassed by trying to communicate too much. I'm dealing with knowing I have to speak up for myself and also knowing I freak her out by doing so. She doesn't feel comfortable sharing with me and I don't like baring my vulnerabilities with someone who can't handle being vulnerable. Husband says I'm the odd duck and while he likes that I'm not afraid to talk about what I'm feeling, not everyone else is. He is getting better about remembering what I ask of him and fielding things that pop up in the moment without making me have to tell him what to do. He has learned to inform me of what (when it has to do with me anyway) gets shared with her. This isn't something she is comfortable with on her end. I repeatedly get the feeling she worries what she shares will be used against her by me. This is the big hurdle I'm dealing with.
How do I keep speaking up for myself when speaking up for myself only disappoints people and pushes them further away? In my book that results in me wondering WTF are we doing this at all? And how am I suppose to trust someone who expects me to be untrustworthy? I don't have to be welcoming but I want to be. I don't have to interact with her and they could still date. I'm fine with only taking my stuff to him and as long as he lives up to our agreements whatever goes on with her is between them. But it also means issues between he and I stay issues between he and I and she is left to twist in the wind and wonder. It can be that way, its just not ideal. Especially now that they've been dating for 10 months. It would be nice if things could get more relaxed rather than more tense.