I'm pretty confused right now
Iíve gotten frustrated with my husbandís relationship and his GF. Iím sure some of it is due to the circumstance of her being intimate with my husband. I also suspect my growing feelings about being open in general adds to the mix too. I had a 1 Ĺ long relationship with another guy and it got to be too much; had to end. This took place right as Husband and GF began dating. Not the most fair foot to start off on for sure. But it is made more tense by:
When they began dating I said to her and Husband that Iím hesitant to mix the kids quickly. Shortly thereafter, she wants Husband to bring son to something with her kid during a time when she knows I canít go. This was only made worse due to it being the first time Son was to meet her. But I knew it was something my son would enjoy so I was stuck between my feelings and being the party pooper for others. I shared this with her after the fact.
I have shared some hurt feelings with my husband and he in turn shared them with her, once while not letting me know it was shared. That part is on him. Her part is that it became a subject she sought him out on later concerning management of my feelings without either of them finding out just what my feelings were. It felt like I was being painted as someone Iím not - over wrought and fragile. The issue involved was not a big deal and had been resolved the same day it happened. I couldnít understand why they would want to talk about me in that manner.
Another time involved a car situation during one of their dates. He said it would not be a sleep over night but then called at 11:30 to ask if he can sleep over at herís due to car issue. I was annoyed because I was once again being put in the position of the heavy and a downer. I told her later why I was annoyed. I didnít even have a choice on that - he pulled her in to defend him when we argued about it the next day. I said it wasnít on her to get in the mix over it. But I also let her know that I struggle to tell Husband no when I can tell what heíd prefer to do especially when its in the moment and I have to decide something quickly. I shared that I donít want their relationship to be built on putting me in the position of the heavy and a party pooper.
So I have been trying to be open in communicating with her and keep feeling like I should just give up on that. It is due to speaking with her about things I struggle with only to then feel like she later capitalizes on that info. A clear example would be troubles over activity X with husband.
I told her in conversation over lunch one day about themes in poly that rub me the wrong way and one of these themes was finding someone to enjoy activities your primary partner isnít that into. I shared this in a thread on here and wondered what her thoughts would be on it. I said I see the sense in finding someone to enjoy activities your partner isnít that into but that I thought we called those people Friend. So why do you have to also fuck that person? I said for me, any initial relief of not being asked to participate in activity X would turn into feeling like Iím being punished for not being so into activity X if the person filling in for me was an intimate partner. One week later she is all about doing activity X with him when it wasn't something she was into before. I wonder does she want me stressed and feeling punished? No, surely thatís silly and paranoid. Unfortunately I keep seeing that this might well be the case.
When I am dealing with an interpersonal struggle that doesnít make sense to me I usually look to what the other people tends to assume other peopleís motives are when trying to figure out what they are likely doing. Like the whole accusing someone of cheating because you are likely to cheat kind of deal. So part of why Iím beginning to see her in a more manipulative light is because she has accused ME of capitalizing on info she shared with me to try and sabotage her time with Husband . She really shares so little with me at all and is very guarded.
The accusation was over something I knew almost nothing about. She was going out of town for her class reunion. Nothing odd to me about that; I assumed her husband was going with her. It was however odd to Husband because he knew she was going alone and he was noticing more and more that her and HER husband seemed to do things that if they were going on in our relationship it would be perceived by Husband as trouble brewing. He was troubled about how often they didnít travel together but did travel with secondaries. He told her he would step out of the picture if her marriage needed working on. I only knew about the details of his concerns AFTER he talk to her about them. She accused me of pointing things out to try to sabotage her time with Husband. Husband told her that wasnít possible and Iíd pointed out nothing. I was left wondering why her first thought was that Iíd set him on her. It has made all that happened before seem more intentional on her part.
She asks to bake a cake for Husbandís bday. I say sure neato. She asks if she is to be involved with Husbandís bday at all beyond that, offering options for me to consider. One being cake at her house and I say that is fine and might be nice thanks for offering. I tell her his bday this year has me down because many friends we usually celebrate with moved away and vacation made money tight. She buys presents knowing Iím feeling down because we canít afford me to buy him a gift. Then she wants his friend invited knowing Iím down about our friend base shrinking. I tell her Iím feeling sore over things I usually handle being taken on by her. Her response is nothing about what I said, only ďhey I got a piŮataĒ and other food details. I feel like she heard Iím feeling sad and then poured it on more while ignoring my words. I feel this way mostly due to having told her more than once that I canít feel good being the bad guy and ruining fun for others. So she knows that Iím already feeling bad and would only feel worse if I said hey this is all too much for me please stop.
I try to talk to Husband about my growing concern over sharing info with her and then it being capitalized on. Because its always fun stuff for him or the boy he doesnít see it in the same light. Instead he asks me who would benefit by her doing what Iím suggesting. I feel she does as she ends up looking like she is fun and giving while Iím always either shredded emotionally and withdrawn from Husband or have to take the role of being the stopper and ruining everyoneís fun AND emotionally shredded and withdrawn because I ruined the fun. He doesnít think itís in her to be as conniving as I keep trying to not believe she is.
I know that she had a rough start into poly with her own marriage involving a bad metamour situation. So I end up feeling like she should be at least somewhat aware of the struggles a primary might go through OR she knows just how to push buttons without being obvious. Iím getting worn down over wondering which one is what is going on.
Without the above factored in I donít find her interesting. A nothing for her or against her kind of deal. I am struggling with wanting to be intimate with Husband most especially when he has been with her but also in general. I feel shut down. Iíll have sex if he wants to but donít care otherwise. Iíll talk to other guys via OLD but feel very apathetic towards the process; it seems too much effort with little gain. I meet someone and it will go where exactly? Nowhere or hurt for me and or them eventually is what I see. Plus I worry if I do find someone I enjoy while Iím struggling with desire for Husband that it will only make things worse.
Anyway, Iím supposed to go help with the cake tomorrow afternoon. I am dreading having to spend so many hours in a row with her. The alternative is I am entirely uninvolved in my own husbandís bday festivities. I keep bouncing between trying one more time to talk to her about this stuff and just not saying as little as possible.