MY POSITION ON "DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL" (DADT)
This is an excerpt from this thread.
You have to ASK the third when you are setting up / starting out the relationship if they want a DADT agreement or not.
I just wasn't sure if there was a school of thought where thirds prefer DADT... I suppose cheating wouldn't be one of those things no matter what, in poly. Hah.
Whether or not there is a school of thought -- who cares? If YOUR PARTNER does not subscribe to that school of thought what difference does it make? You are in relationship with your partner, not with a school of thought.
If you ASK your partner about it?
If they literally want DADT on everything? That's ostrich. They do not want responsibility for their own well being, and are shooshing it all on me. It's fear based operation -- and honestly? I can't hack being with a fearful partner who wants ME to bear all the emotional safety/health responsibility for me, partner, and our relationship. I have to be mind reader-ing their wants and needs and limits all the time? Ugh. That's not partner. That's me carrying them.
I could see "DADT except for .... (list of things.) Alert me on those." I had similar with then FWB (now DH) for the first year of our relationship because I needed a little emotional space before being willing to share my emotional bucket and hear about his and agreeing to sign up to help tend his as a partner, and agreeing to let him tend some of mine as a partner. For a time -- it can work. Forever? I'm not sure. In my experience -- I would not want that long term.
But if you DADT without talking to partner first, without coming to that agreement together? That is not a DADT agreement between you.
That is keeping information from your partner.
AKA -- lies of omission.
Good on you for coming clean -- will hope for the best!
I so dislike avoidy. ENGAGE with me. It's ok to be confused, not sure. Just tell me that is where you are AT. Don't NOT talk to me and engage.
I want a partner. Not a baby or a shirker.
Partner? I have a lovely one in DH.
Baby? I have a lovely kid.
So for me to Open and have Another? Well, now. Def NOT a baby or shirker. Def have to be pretty damn stellar and meet a high bar for Jedi Player-ness. AND both DH and I have to be ready or else it is a case of "Right One, but Wrong Time. "
A short time of DADT worked for me and DH back at the beginning when it was FWB. But that was us as two SINGLES coming together.
I've come to realize today that -- you know what? DADT? I'm not sure that flies with me as a MARRIED.
Ethical polyamory done well -- when you are coming at it as a MARRIED? With the goal of a polyfidelitous CLOSED thing once the dating phase is over and you've found your Sweetie(s) and Meta(s) and polysaturation point? When you are seeking MORE commitment to MORE people?
To me that points to moving super slow. I'm not seeking drama or mess or crazy. I'm after the Good Share in the general shape I'm looking for.
Or I don't need to play at all.
It is edge play of the heart. Always. In monoships or polyships -- does not matter.
And sex? Not in it for the sex -- so that can fucking wait to come online.
Totally different order for me than me as a single.
Body --> Mind --> Heart --> Soul was the order for DH when he grew from FWB, BF, to DH and I was a single. We were friends, but hardly BEST friends when we became FWB. He is my best friend now. Some things are earned.
The order for me as a married? With Person X?
Probably more like Mind --> Heart --> Body --> Soul instead. And a long ass time spent in sharing Mind and Heart first -- because I don't need cooties and neither does DH, and if it isn't going to go further after the share of Mind & Heart -- what's wrong with stopping there and leaving it as Close friends?
People rush. I have no such rush. The biological clock thing is a closed chapter here. I have no rush to find a mate and reproduce or anything like that. It's ALL about the Mind & Heart Share now. Body is fun -- but I have a partner already and I can always masturbate -- I am not LACKING in body things.
Soul -- is content and happy -- this would be taking out to meta wattage if it flies well which has a strong appeal in the right conditions.
But nothing I cannot live with out if the conditions are not right. I don't need to fly in stormy weather.
So it's all about the Share here for me. And I want an extra Good Share or I don't fucking want an extra person!
Ethical Polyamory does NOT equal
- slutty or promiscuous
- unable to commit / greedy
- lacking in good taste
- lacking in good sense
- license to behave like an idiot or a barbarian
Ethical Polyamorous partner X will
- have planning and preparation
- be in reasonable good health (mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual)
- have strong character and moral fiber
- have good self awareness (both strengths and weaknesses)
- have strong communication skills
- have strong conflict resolution skills
- want to be with me and DH in mutually satisfying polyship arrangement. (shape and boundaries of that polyship TBD in trio)
- will sign up to honor playbook agreements (after given chance to add their own things to it)
Once you sign, you are on the hook.
Can't hack it? Don't play with me then. We can be close friends. I'll still like you a whole lot and love you a whole lot as a close friend.
There's is NOTHING wrong with sharing that with me. I'm Open to that.
Even now while in Closed Polyship of 2 with DH!
(Note to DH: Not like you need it -- but AGAIN. I totally agree AGAIN. Friends for a long ass
time first. Ugh. Saves so much headache. )