I just wasn't sure if there was a school of thought where thirds prefer DADT... I suppose cheating wouldn't be one of those things no matter what, in poly. Hah.
You have to ASK the third when you are setting up / starting out the relationship if they
want a DADT agreement or not.
Whether or not there is a school of thought -- who cares? If YOUR PARTNER does not subscribe to that school of thought what difference does it make? You are in relationship with your partner, not with a school of thought.
If you ASK your partner about it?
If they literally want DADT on everything? That's ostrich. They do not want responsibility for their own well being, and are shooshing it all on me. It's fear based operation -- and honestly? I can't hack being with a fearful partner who wants ME to bear all the emotional safety/health responsibility for me, partner, and our relationship. I have to be mind reader-ing their wants and needs and limits all the time? Ugh. That's not partner. That's me carrying them.
I could see "DADT except for .... (list of things.) Alert me on those." I had similar with then FWB (now DH) for the first year of our relationship because I needed a little emotional space before being willing to share my emotional bucket and hear about his and agreeing to sign up to help tend his as a partner, and agreeing to let him tend some of mine as a partner. For a time -- it can work. Forever? I'm not sure. In my experience -- I would not want that long term.
But if you DADT without talking to partner first, without coming to that agreement together? That is not a DADT agreement between you.
That is keeping information from your partner.
AKA -- lies of omission.
Good on you for coming clean -- will hope for the best!