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Old 09-13-2012, 11:51 AM
lolalondon lolalondon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polyjuice View Post
I've come to believe that the situation with R was really just a convenient excuse. They probably didn't want me there to begin with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by polyjuice View Post
I realize now that even if I had been invited, I probably should have "done the right thing" anyway and declined, letting them have their day for themselves.
Quote:
Originally Posted by polyjuice View Post
I seem to have a thing for strong-willed, outspoken ladies who will tell you exactly what they think of you, even at the risk of coming off as a bitch.
Quote:
Originally Posted by polyjuice View Post
But as I said above, now I don't think it was ever about R coming as my date. I think I just wasn't welcome and R was the excuse.
So... these honest, outspoken people couldn't come out and honestly/outspokenly told you the truth, that they would rather YOU didn't come to their wedding. And you would've preferred them to invite you and then for you to not go - so your preference is also to avoid having the difficult conversations.

Quote:
Originally Posted by polyjuice View Post
M demands to know everything about my relationship with R, and I do need to learn to put better limits on that... M sees herself as the more-experienced poly mentor, and wants to know how things are going with R.
Quote:
Originally Posted by polyjuice View Post
M told me at one point that they really wanted to invite R and me, but that it was dependent on M and R meeting and getting along, and R demonstrating that she could get along with D. I suppose I should never have mentioned the potential invitation to R, but I did. I was excited. So then when it turned out that they didn't want her there, it definitely felt like more of a rejection.
Quote:
Originally Posted by polyjuice View Post
R found D to be too cocky, overconfident and kind of an asshole. It's possible that M told D before her met R that she didn't want things to go well between them, but this is somewhat speculative based on an off-handed comment that M once made that I barely now recall.
You sound like you're trying hard to protect M, but she doesn't come off too well here. She sounds quite controlling actually. I'll summarise this:
  • She wants to know everything about your primary relationship and then forms "opinions" - e.g. has a say in something that is likely none of her business
  • She says she'll only invite R to the wedding if her and R get along? Is this an interview? Is this a punishment? I'm quite surprised you agreed to put M through this as it does imply they want to control your plus one. That isn't nice.
  • To add insult to injury, you now suggest they use the reason that M doesn't like R as an excuse when actually they don't want to invite YOU. So they caused M unnecessary hurt and feelings of rejection instead of being honest.
  • In addition, you suggest M might have manipulated R and D's relationship, which isn't good poly at all.

Of course, all this could have been avoided with honest, outspoken communication. For example:
  • M could say they'd rather you don't come to the wedding
  • You could protect your other relationship and refuse to share all with M
  • M could have explained to all concerned that she isn't comfortable with R dating D

Quote:
Originally Posted by polyjuice View Post
Our biggest regret from our wedding was inviting a childhood friend of mine and not inviting her boyfriend. We said it was about space and money, and it basically was. But we also didn't really like him and didn't think it would last. The friend didn't end up coming, and when I attended THEIR wedding this year... it was very awkward. So if anyone reading this is planning a wedding any time soon: DO NOT invite half of a couple.
Exactly. In my opinion, not inviting half a couple is disrespectful towards their relationship and not the mature thing to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by polyjuice View Post
I don't think they're being mean. I think they just don't want negative energy at their wedding. Or any weird energy from me.
If there would be negative energy it might be because of the way they've gone about this. You can put it down to wedding related stress, and ensure communication is clear and boundaries and placed in the future. Best of luck...

Last edited by lolalondon; 09-13-2012 at 12:14 PM.
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