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Old 09-13-2012, 12:01 AM
polyjuice polyjuice is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: NYC
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Wow. Thanks for all the feedback, everyone! I was able to read a few responses last night, but didn't have a chance to really respond until now. But even those few responses got me thinking.

First of all, I know exactly how stressed out and busy M is right now. I believe that discussing any of this with her at this point would only serve to add to her stress. I Emailed her a few days ago to try to catch up a little and she basically blew me off with a "Sorry -- too busy." She's getting married in 3 days, she's extremely focused on her Primary, and the last thing I want is for her to feel bad about not inviting me/us, or to stress out further by trying to fit me in with the plans. Besides, I've come to believe that the situation with R was really just a convenient excuse. They probably didn't want me there to begin with. I can understand that. While their friends all know about their open relationship, (and most of them know about me,) their parents and most of their family do not. And their wedding should be all about M and D without anyone feeling awkward about how I fit into the picture or how I feel about it.

So...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ahpook33 View Post
My advice - suck it up and know you are doing the right thing by not going to the wedding.

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As far as what to buy M & D for their wedding, I strongly recommend you discuss this with R.
This response bothered me at first, but I realize now that even if I had been invited, I probably should have "done the right thing" anyway and declined, letting them have their day for themselves. I've discussed a gift with R and still don't have a good idea, but at least we're talking about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Why is it ok for her to go to parties that you're not invited to, but not the reverse, when it would be so emotionally significant to you? M and D are within their rights to not want anyone who doesn't whole-heartedly love and support them at this special event, but why does it matter so much to R?
Yes, R and I will discuss the non-invitation imbalance, but not right now. I think that R didn't see the connection between this wedding and her sex parties.

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Why don't they like it each other? Basic personality incompatibility?

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And I get not wanting someone at a wedding whom I do not like. But welcome to real life. Didn't like my former mother in law but she would have been at my wedding to my ex. Some of my exes' best friends can be sloppy drunks. They would have been there too. If M wants you in her life, well, R is now part of the 'you' package too. R is one of her metamours and vice versa. They don't have to be best buds.

I don't see why R can't go as your date, be civil, eat cake and give a nice present from the both of you. Unless you think either R or M can't be civil in public to each other.
Yup -- basic incompatibility. I seem to have a thing for strong-willed, outspoken ladies who will tell you exactly what they think of you, even at the risk of coming off as a bitch. Sometimes such women get along swimmingly. Sometimes.

But as I said above, now I don't think it was ever about R coming as my date. I think I just wasn't welcome and R was the excuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Main gift? Money.

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Stop oversharing between the metas (R & M) and let them deal with their own relationship to each other. They should not put you in middle. But you should not put YOURSELF in middle either.

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Are you saying that you DO blame R or M?

But if all this hullabaloo is over a party invite where you got one and she did not? Since none was issued, she could not be disinvited. She simply has not been invited at all.
Normally money would be my go-to wedding gift. But definitely not appropriate for someone so significant, especially when I'm not even invited to the wedding.

So, over-sharing. I know this is something I need to work on. M demands to know everything about my relationship with R, and I do need to learn to put better limits on that. And I want to share everything about M with R. But I don't think that I reveal too much.

After D met R a few times last year, he had plenty to say to M about R. (See note, above, regarding strong-willed, outspoken ladies.) M sees herself as the more-experienced poly mentor, and wants to know how things are going with R. I tell her. And she forms opinions. I don't think of myself as a gossip, and I certainly don't complain about one to the other, but if I say "X happened with the other woman" then each will infer her own conclusions. Thus, preconceived notions of each other.

Blame? OK, so I don't think "blame" is really the right word. I like to think that I can get along just fine with almost anybody, especially when it is expedient to do so. I suppose that I regret that R is not always as diplomatic as I am. But in a way I also love that about her.

As for "disinviting" people: M told me at one point that they really wanted to invite R and me, but that it was dependent on M and R meeting and getting along, and R demonstrating that she could get along with D. I suppose I should never have mentioned the potential invitation to R, but I did. I was excited. So then when it turned out that they didn't want her there, it definitely felt like more of a rejection.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Etiquette-wise, inviting only one half of a couple, especially a couple that lives together, to a wedding is rude.
Our biggest regret from our wedding was inviting a childhood friend of mine and not inviting her boyfriend. We said it was about space and money, and it basically was. But we also didn't really like him and didn't think it would last. The friend didn't end up coming, and when I attended THEIR wedding this year... it was very awkward. So if anyone reading this is planning a wedding any time soon: DO NOT invite half of a couple.

But in this case, maybe these were extenuating circumstances. I'm sad that it didn't work out better, but like I said above, I think maybe it was all pretext for not inviting me at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
The more tactful thing to have done if she really did not want to invite R was to give OP a face saving reason -- like having struggles with balancing the list against grooms family and budget. Who DOESN'T have those struggles in a formal wedding?

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Rather than going home to R to say "Guess what? M said .... about you."

...

This will blow over. Weddings are stressy. Hang in there.
I know this wasn't about money or space at the venue. I think that not getting along with R WAS the face-saving reason for not inviting ME. But, yes, it will blow over and I will hang in there. For almost a year M has been asking me to be patient and I've been telling her I can be. It just sucks.

I really don't think I come home to R and tell her that M called her names. I've been pretty careful about that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
What was the reason for R and D not dating any longer?
R found D to be too cocky, overconfident and kind of an asshole. It's possible that M told D before her met R that she didn't want things to go well between them, but this is somewhat speculative based on an off-handed comment that M once made that I barely now recall. I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm back in junior high school.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
What was the reason for M's reduced frequency of dates?
An excellent question. I'm not sure. I think that at times it has been because M though I needed to focus more on my marriage, or because D thought that she was spending too much time with me, or because she just wasn't in the mood for me. (I don't know if I mentioned this earlier but outside her relationship with D, M has never really dated another man seriously. It's usually women.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by lolalondon View Post
...It's about the sense that the OP's marriage to his wife is somehow implicitly disapproved of...

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The soon-to-be-married couple are being immature and perhaps a bit mean...
Disapproving of my marriage? I don't think so. But I know that M wishes I'd assert myself more. Come to think of it, R says the same thing.

I don't think they're being mean. I think they just don't want negative energy at their wedding. Or any weird energy from me. I get it. As I've told M before, we have all the time in the world. Or at least (sigh) all the time until they have a kid and things get REALLY crazy.
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