Glad to know I'm not coming across as too tough on you.
It's hard for you right now, I know. Sigh.
So what have you learned from your last post?
Here's what I've learned.
My intent was always to tell her, but I wasn't sure when/how in this very early, very complicated time in all of our lives/our triad relationship.
You just spit it out, dude. You are trying to calibrate and create the framework for how to be in right relationship
to each other. Feel free to steal mine like a starting talk point and shape it to be YOUR OWN for your triad's needs.
If you are going to create an intentional "triad shaped" polyship -- that's going to take the same goal wanted, same intentional approach wanted, and then the intentional communication to create it with.
It doesn't appear out of thin air!
To get this triad polyship off the ground it is not enough to have the limits/boundary rules like "no smoking in the cabin of the aircraft!"
You have to have the relationship structures/expectations in place so you can hold each other accountable and be in right relationship.
It's not enough to go "Be nice. Don't be a jerk to me!" You have to teach each other HOW. Because you are all different people and what is "nice" enough or what is too much "jerk" to bear?
This forum has been a great way for me to get my shit on the table without throwing verbal punches and getting heated toward G. Safe to say I have temper issues that have been magnified throughout these recent developments.
G manipulates you with her fandago of lies, avoidy, obfuscate, sugarcoat etc. Basically? Refusal to behave like an HONEST person willing to be held accountable to her responsibilities in relationship. Refusal to engage in constructive conversation to resolve conflict in healthy ways.
You emotionally flood because you have conflicting inner emotions playing at the same time. (Google "emotional flooding")
When you lose it and cannot talk any more? G's off the hook. Not being held accountable. Yay for G. Teflon kid slides again!
That's about it there, sweetie.
She is hurt that we didn't tell her but she understands why. We're gonna talk more about it when she's free. I'm not glad she's hurt, but it's kind of nice to know she cares to know.
See? K's a big girl. She can handle herself and is NOT a baby. That helps reassure you on these points
- she's a grown person who can behave like an adult
- she cares about you
- you are not a crazy person to want honesty in relationship
- trusting your gut is valuable -- and taking action is better than whipping up tempest in teapot scenes in your head. GO FIND OUT TO KNOW WHAT IS rather than wasting time pondering what might be's
G wants to be able to live life like it didn't happen.
G is not surprising me there. G is being consistant with her character so far. A dishonest person who puts her own comfort needs ahead of everyone else
She's pretty blown away by the consequences of her actions.
No she isn't. She's blown away that you took action this time that might actually mean her being called into account by both you and K. She exepected to be the Teflon kid and sliiiiiide again.
she keeps saying she "didn't know it would be this bad,"
1) Because it sounds nicer to say "I did not know it would be so bad" than to say HONESTLY "I didn't care about it. I did it to please me in the moment, and it is easier/more comfy for me to not think about how it affects my partners. So I don't -- before, during or after. "
2) Playing THAT broken record of "I did not know" when she did
know? Makes her sound all miss innocent wayward lamb. And spares her the discomfort of doing the right thing NOW
a) Apologize to the people and ask for forgiveness
b) Make ammends if allowed to
c) Earn back trust
d) Make the permanent changes needed to the behavior required to be in right relationship with her people as an honest responsible, accountable partner in a triad
It's easier to play broken record, be lazy, and just please herself.
Proceed with caution.
You are playing with a KNOWN liar now who does NOT guard your health buckets as your partner well -- your emotional health, your mental health, your physical health, and your spiritual health.
You have to evaluate how Open you want to be to further dings and where YOUR limit lies.
People can get second chances.
But how many strikes is she on with you? With K?
Keep it real over there. Don't go getting all shirky/avoidy on YOURSELF and fall back out of right relationship to yourself.
- Until I pointed it out, you did not see how you'd become a liar -- something you do not like and find unattractive
- Until you aired out to K you did not realize how unsupported you felt
Living with G you had all this going on too
- less time to take care of relationship with me.
- made me untrue to myself so many times, usually in an effort to keep the peace in my home, and it's over time had the opposite effect. (from compromising self integrity and not able to DO effective conflict resolution with avoidy G)
- I'm not happy with me when I'm not true to me. Emotionally numb --complacent. (Get health check for depression)
- I couldn't go off and think anything over, everything was always right there in my face.
Be VERY careful with yourself right now and what your self care needs are. Take care of of your own oxygen mask FIRST.