Not hard to hear at ALL, because that's how I've felt the whole time!!! I am a sagittarius, lying is like... pissing in the wind to me, I find nothing comforting or attractive about it. My intent was always to tell her, but I wasn't sure when/how in this very early, very complicated time in all of our lives/our triad relationship. Maybe I wasn't sure if G was right, and I would
get carried away and say mean things about her, I might not be as level-headed as I think in those situations. It's certainly possible. I've been a manic, raging wreck on and off for months. Sometimes I'm cool as a cucumber and sometimes I'm so overwhelmed with this pile of let-downs that I start the argument up all over again. I know it sounds like I'm blaming myself, but I've mentioned before, I am no angel when shit hits the fan. Sometimes I lose my cool and have a hard time getting it back. This forum has been a great way for me to get my shit on the table without throwing verbal punches and getting heated toward G. Safe to say I have temper issues that have been magnified throughout these recent developments.
But I agree, omitting is lying, I preach it all the time. Maybe what I haven't said is it's not really clear what our commitment is to each other, if any; it's been growing organically and unexpectedly and we only actually see each other a few times per year. I think... maybe I questioned whether K would even be interested in being this involved. She is new to poly, and just started a new career... But all of this sounds just like the reasoning that G used to explain not telling ME the truth, right away, so you're right. I participated in this lie. I didn't even see it that way when I made my OP, but I totally see that now, and I'm floored. Thank you, GG, for pointing it out. I've been in a haze, it's SO helpful to know I can post here and folks like you will help me find my feet. I haven't many poly friends, and the ones I have are their own hot messes. I don't know how I'd do this without you guys.
Moving out will change a lot of things, I think. It will give me more time to take care of relationship with me. And her too. Living together has made me untrue to myself so many times, usually in an effort to keep the peace in my home, and it's over time had the opposite effect. I'm not happy with me when I'm not true to me. But being complacent means we you know, get to go to bed on time, or get to go out We don't have any escape, there's no "just me, no one else, for as long as I want" time. I couldn't go off and think anything over, everything was always right there in my face.
This morning I let K know there was a breach of trust with fourth party (whom K met last time she was in town, and knows about), and that I/we lied by omitting, and why I did it. And that I am ashamed (I am). I didn't give details of the cheating, just said that things have been really hard and she deserves to know.
She is hurt that we didn't tell her but she understands why. We're gonna talk more about it when she's free. I'm not glad she's hurt, but it's kind of nice to know she cares to know. She wonders why we didn't tell her right out of bootcamp. It was graduation though!! You know? But it's been a week now and I've felt so far away from her knowing there's this huge crater in our relationship and K has no idea. G wants to be able to live life like it didn't happen. She's pretty blown away by the consequences of her actions (I'm blown away she didn't anticipate them but again, immaturity, lack of experience, selfishness... she keeps saying she "didn't know it would be this bad," and I'm thinking.. why not....) It kind of makes me feel more supported just knowing K gives a damn. It doesn't feel good that she's hurt, don't get me wrong. But I feel better that I've given her a heads up that there is trouble in paradise, and that it matters to her to know. When we all started to hook up, she was in a part of her life where she didn't want a relationship of any kind, so she didn't leave for the armed forces with an attachment. And this is what happened the minute she left. Ugh. She's even newer to poly than we are, but she has two years on me, so 5 years on G. She wasn't poly till she met us but she wanted to be. What an example we've set so far.