Originally Posted by redsirenn
Another "needs" question:
I hear so often poly people talking about how one person can't fulfill all thier needs - thus one argument (for lack of a better word) for practicing poly.
I always think: "DUH!" Then why don't you go out there and fulfill them yourself instead of "needing" someone else to do it for you?
This is a good one.
I have a "need" from my partner. IN order to be sexually satisfied I need a partner who is more take-charge, more aggressive, more firm. In some ways I am very submissive in my sex life and I *need* a partner who is willing to be dominant (not in a BDSM sense, but in a take-charge sense). If I don't have that, it's difficult for me to become aroused or maintain arousal. And eventually sex doesn't happen (which is what happened in my marriage).
My husband is not dominant, and in fact would prefer a submissive role in a sexual relationship. Almost to the extent of wanting to explore traditional BDSM sex as a sub.
(And yes, had we known any of this before we got married, we might not have gotten married. But it's taken us years to figure out why we don't "work" that way together. But I digress.)
So, in that sense, my husband cannot fill my "needs", nor can I fill his. And those types of needs are ones that we can't fill for ourselves either.
However, in every other way, we are very compatible. We love each other. We cuddle. We hug. WE snuggle on the sofa at night and watch TV. We share history and friendship. I love his family and they love me.
For us the inability to fill each others' needs led was the doorway into a poly life. The "argument" if you will.
That doesn't mean that we are needy with each other ... but we each have needs that the other simply cannot meet and still be true to themselves.