Need some advice/support new to polyamory
I have been reading for about 6 weeks now and I have read a lot about and thought it was time to post. A little background, I have been married for 11 years to my husband and we have been together for a total of 15. We have two small school aged children. About 2 years ago he had an affair with my best friend (I'll call her Mary), he was honest the entire time about what was happening (not all of the details, there was still a lot of deceit involved), I cut off my relationship with her and it was a very painful time for everyone involved. Last March the affair ended and Mary went back to her husband, I moved back home and my husband and I began the hard work of repairing our marriage. He was always honest about his love for Mary and between March and November we had lots of conversations about what happened and processed the pain etc. A few of those conversations involved the idea of opening up our marriage. During that time we recaptured our friendship and passion for one another.
On the first of November Mary left her husband and admitted to herself that she still loved my husband. I gave my blessing for the relationship to resume and that's what brought me here. It is one thing to discuss an open relationship, it's an entirely other thing to live it. I am committed to my husband's happiness and I have realized over the last 2 years that I am not in control of his feelings, and he can't change his feelings. I have a lot of pain over the affair and spent the first 4 weeks not trusting either one of them, but we have been actively communicating and I am also actively trying to heal my friendship with Mary. I have had really good days and a lot of bad, where I wake up with an ache in my heart that I can't explain. My contradictory feelings have led to lots of confusion and stress in my marriage, because one minute I'm fine and my higher self knows that this is not only great for him but also for us...and the next minute I am crying and yelling over the smallest thing. I don't want to lose my marriage and am hoping for some advice from some folks who have been down this road before me. I feel like right now my behavior could potentially sabotage what could potentially be a great thing for all involved.