I have no idea whether she's having a breakdown or not. She seems very rational and calculated. She's deliberately blocking any feeling of love she feels for me, because she thinks it's too risky for her to be vulnerable like that. Looks like she's right (from her perspective).
She did suggest that we take a few weeks/months off each other (she has a project she has to finish, so all this new poly stuff is very distracting to her). But she wants me to take this time "to think", but not to be unfaithful to her.
I don't think I will agree to these terms.
But I'm starting to think that it will be a good thing. We don't have to divorce right now anyway ... it takes time. And both of us will have time to think, be miserable, be happy ... just explore.
If we renegotiate the boundaries of our relationship afterwards ... ok. If not ... we'll have to live with it and break up.
Now my mind is starting to go over logistics of where I'll stay until we decide what we're doing (I certainly don't want to make her move apartments any time soon) ... and I haven't even told her yet ... she's asleep. I don't want to wake her because she values her sleep a lot ... but I just can't seem to fall asleep at all myself. I think I'll go find me a pub and have a beer by myself.
The low points of a relationship really feel like it's not worth it at all. And the high points make you forget the low points all together.