I think some of my issue is that in two other LTR I had the sex essentially fizzled out. In the first case it was me who lost interest, in the second case it was him. But perhaps I'm overly cautions in thinking that once something shifts it's the beginning of an inevitable decline.
I don't use the words "primaries/secondaries."
I wonder if perhaps some of your stuff isn't not just about the ghosts of exes coloring your expectations of current lover...
but that heirarchy model being like a thorn in your side stirring up anxious? Having to compete for attentions or primary positioning?
So when the intensity and frequency of BDSM for us decreased I immediately assumed it was the beginning of the end of kink for us, panicked and became demanding, etc. etc.... of course, as soon as I relaxed he started topping happily again, I guess I just made him lose confidence?
That sounds like you are going thru withdrawal to me.
If your early days were chronic hits of the hormone highs, and then you get to a more calm pattern -- you aren't getting the hits.
You sure this isn't moody from subdrop?
I thought there would be more people directing sexual energy away from the relationship but seems like even after many years people still direct it mostly towards their primaries... though I wonder if that's always the case? I know I do, but don't others get worried about not being shiny new exciting fucktoy any more?
No. Why would I direct away from it?
And if you know YOU direct your energies toward your primary -- why all this worry about what other
people are doing? What needs validating or affirming for you? What are you afraid you are missing out on?
No, I don't worry about not being a shiny new toy to him any more. I like being OLD shiny toy better.
There isn't as much "weather reporting" because he knows me and all my tells already. It's a smoother ride, it's a more intense ride, it's a longer ride.
You can get some nice chords and phrases sometimes with a new partner. And learning to make beautiful music together is a fun process of discovery.
But oh, with an old lover? That knows you well? You can run through flawless symphonies! It's another kind of rush.