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Old 09-11-2012, 09:59 PM
theopol theopol is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Damn, I wrote a long reply to both MusicalRose and LifeLongCpl 12 hours ago, I was sure it was posted, but I guess it got deleted somehow.

A lot of changed since then.

The gist: Up until a few hours ago, I was sure we were doing better. My wife was actually looking at poly stuff, in order to try & understand me better (she sent me this interesting study: http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.c...ract_id=506242

We were having such a great couple of days. Then, today we got a MAJOR backlash:

First, I had the idea of asking my wife to do a simple couples exercise with me: I wanted each of us to try & picture their ideal spouse, and describe it (or describe how we would "improve" our current spouse, in their fantasy world). This is a hard exercise, because it usually implies judgement or expectation - if you don't like apples, and my "ideal spouse" likes apples, then perhaps I expect you to like apples ... or that is a possible impression this exercise can convey. I also wanted each of us to try & guess the ideal spouse of the other person.

Well, merely suggesting this exercise got me a cold shoulder. My wife assumed I would stick polyamory into my description of ideal spouse (while I actually planned to specifically stick to things not related to polyamory). She just didn't want to do this exercise at all, proclaiming it "futile" because "we already know the answers, and don't need to rub each other's nose in them". I was willing to drop this for now and perhaps try again in a few days.

...

and now for the bomb.

Remember, up until a week ago I was speaking to my crush on an almost daily basis. This stopped cold turkey a week ago. Today, I called the boyfriend of my crush (both of them are/were our friends), with two simple purposes to this call: I wanted to let them know that my wife and I are getting better, and I wanted to know how "they" were doing. Yes, I was more interested in how _she_ was doing, but I deliberately didn't want to focus on that, but just ask how they were doing this past week. I didn't get any chance to talk to him, but he told me this one sentance - "I don't understand what happened between you guys that ruined this years-long friendship the four of us had" (remember, the bf is fully aware of all the details ... he just does't think we should terminate our friendship).

So, after this 1 minute phone call, I tell my wife that the bf says hi. My wife then freaks.

She says I betrayed her again by talking to him (in reality, she didn't want me talking to her, and explicitally said that talking to her bf was "allowed"). She wants me to never talk to him again. She repeats how she especially NEVER wants me to TALK to my crush again. I refuse her demand about the crush's boyfriend ... while I understand where my wife is coming from, this is just too much for me.

She goes to sleep angry at me, despite my attempts to persuade her that it's not a good idea to go to sleep angry at each other (not the first time this has happened).

I am totally at a loss here.

My reality is this:
1. I want to be with my wife.
2. I will not have my wife control my actions to this extent.

I agree that not talking to my crush directly might be a good idea right now. I agree not to push the issue. I agree that it's possible, or even likely, that my wife and I will be monogomous together ... that I'll never be poly
(even though it's rather crushing for me to think like that ... but for my wife, I agree to this). But this one last straw, of not talking to her bf, is something that I can't tolerate.

On the surface of it, unless my wife budges, this seems like an imminent track to divorce. What am I missing here?

I am not blaming her. It's the logical thing to do, if you want to reinforce monogomy ... burning all ties. But I just can't become her puppet like this. This was never how our marriage worked, and it pains me to see what it has become. We're just now at the 7 year mark of being together. Perhaps our union has served its purpose and should now (painfully) end. I can't believe I'm writing this, but I can't see a way out of it.
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