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Old 09-11-2012, 08:19 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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I am very sorry you are hurting and going thru this.


Do secondaries/thirds/newer partners WANT to know when there are fights and bickering between the couple they date?

I would want to know what's going on! Then I can understand my partners in full context -- why you suddenly show up grumpy here? Ah, you had fight with Other. Ok, then... now I see.

Is nondisclosure in this situation healthy and mature? Or is it inappropriate to leave out this info? Have you guys gone through anything similar?

INAPPROPRIATE and red flagging me on G's trustworthiness. I don't mean this unkindly to you. But you guys sound messed up over there.

It is bad G cheated and broke a boundary. But in not telling, YOU are now doing lies of omission and aiding G in telling lies of omission. That's not very nice way to treat your triad partner, K. You are also compromising your own self and your ethics.

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I, in the past, had a bad tendency to reach out to our mutual friends for comfort during bad times, which G resents because they are her friends as well.
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G is afraid, given I was the one cheated on, that I wouldn't be fair to her side if I told the story to K. So if anyone will tell K, it will be G, not me, since I am under agreement not to spill it (neither of them use this forum, to date).
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G made the decision to vent to K about a certain dispute we've had during the house-hunting process
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What bothers me is until yesterday, I thought we agreed not to confide in her when our stuff isn't good, and G went ahead and did so without asking me or altering the agreement ahead of time.
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G decided this moving stressfest was worth a long conversation to K
Um -- way to go controlling cheater person? Trying to control the flow of information in or out of the triad for your own needs/uses? Habitually cut your people off from support? Cut them off from clear and full communication? Cut them off from having voices of their OWN? That's all kinds of messed up and unfair and manipulative.

I don't know why you are surprised about yesterday. G chronically controls what information gets shared and when. So G doing it again isn't a surprise to me reading through the post. It pops up time and again. Sigh.

In my universe, K would have the RIGHT to clear communication. K would also expect me to care for my own and K's buckets of mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health. Both of you could be out on your hiney's for the lies of omission on first strike. Depending on the cheating circumstances, that could be a 3 strikes thing, but I would NOT be inclined to be working it out because of the lack of clear communication and the lies of omission. Why open myself to more lies in "working it out?"

NO relationship can be solid on a foundation of lies. Not cool. I frown on this.

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G and I agreed during K's travels that we would not to disclose the cheating situation to K, who is going through an epic career and lifestyle change of her own and has plenty of stuff to handle without stressing about something that happened between G and I and a fourth party.
Did you guys really come to agreement on that? Or did G run the show again and you went along with it?

Don't you think K has the right to know that one of her partners is a lying cheater? So she can determine FOR HERSELF whether or not she wants to be involved or associate herself with a less than ethical lover? And do you think K is going to feel woooonderful that K's triad partners have decided FOR HER what is or is not "too stressful" for her like a baby rather than treating her like a respected grown up person capable of making her own decisions?

Nah. That's just lame excuse on G's part to not to have to fess up to K sugarcoated in "concern for K." Mostly for G's own comfort. Not because G's REALLY looking out for people health buckets or looking to be uber ethical in relationship management.

If G REALLY did not want to cause you or K the pain of STRESS -- would G be cheating? Behaving in these unethical ways toward both of you?

Again, G is a cheater. Also an information controller -- and that's a manipulation tactic. Check the list at speakoutloud in case more rings a bell -- esp section 1. This smells fishy to me. I am not saying you are being abused. Would not wish it on anyone.

But I am saying this smells fishy to me. Take it to highlighter. See what you see.

But you at this time are knowingly participating in a lie of omission. That is less than ethical also. It is not flattering to you.

How are you helping to care for your OWN health buckets as a good triad partner by going along with something that clearly does not feel right to you?

How are you helping to care for K's health buckets as a good triad partner? Are you looking out for her mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well being when you participate in lies of omission? In denying clear communication? Shielding the cheater?

How is G helping to care for YOURS and K's buckets as a good triad partner? (Certainly G is all out for G's own buckets and looking out for G's comfort and interests. Screw anyone else's need to feel safe emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually in relationship.)

I am very, very sorry you are hurting. I know this is very Hard to Hear.

But I think you need to talk to K to clear this all up and then IN TRIO call G into account for the shenanigans. Then sort yourselves out for how to be in right relationship to each other. Or just quit this polyship team because of a very unethical player. Because THAT is your main problem. The cheating, manipulation of information shared, lies of omission... The common thread? G is just NOT an honest person and is treating both of you bad.

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I don't want to trash talk my partner to her own partner, and I feel, given G's sensitivity on the subject, that even if I told the story fairly, she would feel as if I trash-talked to K.
"G had an affair. This cheating broke a boundary we had" is a plain fact. There is nothing trashy stated there. How is stating facts "trash talk" about G? If G is afraid of how you tell it, G can come along to tell their side to K. There. All heard and given chance to correct mistatements. No triangulation.

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our third is out of the loop about the cheating, so only knows a small, watered-down portion of the whole story. I'm happy to keep it that way if this is what she (K) wants, but I don't know what she (K) wants or how to ask her. Since I agreed (with G) not to tell her about it, I can't really ask K if she would want to know about it. Right? Or should I give her a vague hypothetical and ask that way?
You SPEAK YOUR TRUTH to K. Speak your Truth, even at a whisper. Even in printed word because you cannot bear to speak out loud. But Speak Your Truth.

1) Decide to no longer participate in lies of omission and get back in right relationship with YOURSELF first.

2) Then decide to get back into right relationship with K by apologizing for your part in this mess -- enabling lies of omission and preventing clear communication.

3) Then get K's input on how decide what to do about G in a TRIO conversation so there's no triangulation afoot with G playing one off the other.

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G had an affair by cheating on me on _____. I have been upset since and I am still upset.

G also asked me to keep it from you. Initially I agreed. I do not think I was in my right mind from the upset. I am not sure I am in my right mind now.

I do know that I am not happy continuing to do that because it is a lie of omission not to tell my triad partner what is going on. I have also been struggling with how to tell you. I am ashamed.

I apologize for not telling you sooner. It is very hard for me to see clear or know what to do or what is right when I am this confused.

But that is no reason for having kept you in the dark. I am very sorry. I ask for your forgiveness, if you are willing to grant it. I am willing to make ammends if you allow me to try to do so for my part in this mess to you -- the lies of omission.
Remember to BREATHE. But straighten your relationship to yourself first, then K, then G.

BREATHE.

hugs

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-12-2012 at 01:33 AM.
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