Main gift? Money. In a nice card, toward whatever future savings the couple want to apply it to. Then a small personal gift for my friend. Like I'll give her her fav candy or candle or soap for just HER. There. That's usually how I solve it.
Ask M for single invite for JUST YOU since you want to go.
Tell R you have received single invite and would like to go and want to work on calendar with her to fit in wedding date, as well as before/after dates with R to get your couple time needs with her met also. So please work with you on calendar schedule.
Would R like to share any info regarding her current wants, needs, and limits while coordinating this activity on the calendar? Listen to what she says.
Sort it out.
- Stop oversharing between the metas (R & M) and let them deal with their own relationship to each other. They should not put you in middle. But you should not put YOURSELF in middle either.
- Learn to be more assertive in your communication.
- Learn to maintain healthier boundaries
- Put limit on double standards, if there is one with this business of going to parties with/without R.
Long answer below, but it is same advice as above.
Do with it what you will. It is meant kindly, but firmly. Learn to own your own baggage and let other people own theirs.
But when first discussed, M suggested that they were not comfortable inviting R. Understandably.
Yep, their guest list. Not yours.
When I mentioned this to R, she said that she was not comfortable with me attending a wedding to which she had been explicitly disinvited. Understandably.
Why you mention at all? Not her business what M's guest list is or isn't. And she's projecting now. She cannot be DISINVITED when there has been no invite issued to be taken back. In telling tales, you have added to their dislike pot, rather than REDUCE the meta dislike.
I mentioned this casually to M.
There ya go. Pot stirring again. What business is it of M what you and R privately talk about? And had you not stirred to start, there wouldn't be a convo to overshare with M. Again telling tales, again you have added to their dislike pot, rather than REDUCE the meta dislike.
They shouldn't put you in the middle. But YOU should not put yourself in the middle by telling tales either!
Since then, R and M have met, M and D came to a dinner party at our house... but they still aren't interested in having R at The Event.
So? They came to dinner to make nice. They are working on making nice. They have to cook their (M <--> R) tier of the mini relationship inside the greater polyship at their own speed. Why do you expect one dinner to equal a change in their relationship from "polite metamours" to "friends?"
And again -- their wedding. Their guest list. They may not be able to AFFORD too many "make nice plus one" extras, you know. Who knows what the cost is per head at this shindig? You are a BF. You rank higher than a meta. Probably less than Grandma though. Deal.
And believing that I wouldn't come alone, and not wanting to give me a plus-one, I was not invited either.
Sooo... self advocate? Why did you not clear up that misbelief and say - "I'd come alone! I'd love an invite!"
I hate to think that I blame or resent either R or M, but I'm certainly upset about how things are playing out. (Maybe this extreme pain in my stomach for the past 24 hours is psychosomatic after all.) Am I being to cautious about protecting R's feelings? Is this a failure of communication?
Are you saying that you DO blame R or M? And you hate to think that you are blaming them? Then stop blaming them. Dig deeper instead. Peel back the onion layers.
are you doing that blaming? Could you be blaming them unfairly for your own baggage stuff? Telling tales, not clearing up misbeliefs, expecting them to mind reader you out of your discomfort right now?
Do a reality check -- Are you unfairly or fairly upset with them because they don't help smooth the way for you -- M just issuing a plus one invite to her wedding? R just allowing you to go without being all riled up huffy?
Own your own baggage, please. Everyone
own your own baggage. Then we don't get all this tangled up stuff.
If you are upset at how this is playing out? BREATHE. Make you your mind to be more assertive in your communication. Would have gone easier had you done this to start. More assertive, more clear, not oversharing, just keeping your nose clean. State YOUR wants, needs, limits.
1) YOU WANT TO GO. M sounds willing for you to come without R. So get your single invite. Apologize for oversharing info putting her in awkward places.
2) Next steps at home?
- You go home and tell R you have received a single invite to the wedding and you want to attend. So please work with you on calendar schedule.
- You would like to set time before or after wedding date or BOTH to make sure R gets enough beforecare and aftercare. You want to make sure you both are getting your own couple time in and couple needs met before you go off to some party thing.
- Apologize for oversharing putting her in weird position. Ask forgiveness, make ammends.
- Would R like to share any info regarding her current wants, needs, and limits while coordinating this activity on the calendar?
- Are there needs you are not meeting with her that you need to know about?
to what she says.
R has attended plenty of sex parties with her boyfriend to which I was specifically disinvited.
And she doesn't want you to go to this party with your GF? Why? Because if no reason given, or the reason is not reasonable? Then that just sounds like a double standard to me. That's unfair.
If you are doing something to her that is actually bad, then cut it the fuck out. That is not kind. (Here's where I'd put oversharing/telling tales. Get thee OUT of the middle!)
But if all this hullabaloo is over a party invite where you got one and she did not? Since none was issued, she could not be disinvited.
She simply has not been invited at all. Getting upset over not getting an invite is silly. We don't all get invites to everything.
Get more assertive. You do not have to be unkind about it. Just assert yourself enough to maintain healthy boundaries. You can do it!
Let R. own her own baggage and emotional management. If she wants your help, support, nurture in sorting her baggage out, that's fine. You are her partner, you can aid her. The blue shirt is not a good fit and does not flatter, the green dress is still good, keep that.
She must sort out the things in her emotional baggage that no longer serve her well. You can only give feedback. She has to unpack, sort, trash, change her mind to let go of / take in things/habits/attitudes/beliefs. Then pack it up again.
If she wants you to just carry her baggage for her so she never has to deal with it or unpack it? That's fresh.
If you go around carrying it? That's you not saying "No, thanks."
Maybe she can help you unpack some of your stuff and you can sort your own baggage. Then everyone can carry their own baggage in future and travel light and more efficient and more in right relationship to each other.
Hope things work out and get better!