View Single Post
  #45  
Old 09-11-2012, 05:01 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,229
Default

ON BREAKING UP A MARRIAGE WELL: GHOST LAYER SELVES PART 1

Dear DH:

The excerpt in my next entry is from another thread. I have to break it into two parts for it to post. Call this the cover letter.

While I wrote it to try to help the person, on the Meta level I also was writing it to US -- in our ghost layer selves.

There is ALWAYS the ghost layer in ANY relationship. The layer of "How do we want to be when we break up?" It is a ghost because it is not here in the tangible real sense. But it is not a maybe. It is a WHEN. I like how John Cleese puts it -- all relationships come with a clock attached.

Not acknowledging the ghost layer to me is crazy. It's part of the polymath tiers if polyamorous. It's part of the monomath tiers if monoamorous. While we may hope the monoship or polyship is going to run "til death do us part?"

Even death is a relationship ending and we must prepare for how to cope with that. So prepare for coping with relationship endings and keep it REAL for heaven's sake!

So. If we were to Open later, that layer must be addressed. How do we want to be together when we have to break up?

I prefer til death do us part. You are older, probably you kick the bucket first based on age. I'm a chronic patient. Maybe it's me. Who knows? But a long marriage is nice, and death would be ok. Two weeks notice would be extra good. That's one possible reality, with a joke.

Another possible reality is that we fall out of love for some reason. We've talked about it many times before, and we both agree that we'd want to be friends, and still co-parent and co-grandparent as friends. Never written it out though. So here's a first stab at it.

I don't know why talking about how to break up for some people makes them feel like just talking about it dooms it to being so. In my experience, Shared Vulnerable helps create emotional intimacy. Which in turn helps bond the people further. Which in turn makes it less likely that the grow apart because they care for one another.

I remember we were talking about it and you made me laugh when you expressed the sentiment of "That's my ex-wife, mother of my kid, and friend you person you! Treat her well or I WILL KILL YOU!"

It was oddly tender, and it was the bittersweet sweet. You know how those are my favorites.

And you know I love it when you make it hurt soooo good -- loving me that hard, that fierce, hard enough to be willing let me go well in the name of Love.

Makes me want to stay all the more to get to keeping basking in that kind of intense Love Light!

I love you. :*

Those three words are too small to fit all I feel about you. But they will do.

It satisfies.

Galagirl

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." ~Mignon McLaughlin

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-11-2012 at 01:35 PM.
Reply With Quote