GalaGirl, I guess I left out some information in my OP. The night I broke off the affair, I told my husband everything. His initial reaction was anger, followed by guilt, as he felt his long term physical neglect had left me vulnerable. I do not hold him responsible for my choices, as I could have made other decisions. I could have been up front as soon as a mutual attraction developed between this other man and me and asked for permission to see him.
I have been completely open about my relationships with others during the year and a half we've been poly, and he has been pretty open with me as well. In fact, he has, and continues to provide the occasional advice about my romantic endeavors.
In terms of whether I need my legal husband to be both friend and lover, I'm not sure. I'm not even sure I have been "in love" with him all this time. I'm not sure how I feel about anything. It never occurred to me to question my feelings or to label my love. I had made my peace with the idea that we had a somewhat platonic love, and that I had the ability to meet my physical needs with others. But I never thought that breaking up was an option. We have been together half of my life. I think of him as I do any other family member. The idea of living without him now feels like losing an internal organ. I think the triangular love theory makes a lot of sense- I had not read about it until today.
He blamed himself for years for the lack of sex. He felt there was something physically or emotionally wrong with him. It appears that having a girlfriend led him to realize that he was perfectly capable of being sexual... just not with me.
LovingRadiance, I agree that it is sometimes ideal to take a few months to give each other space in order to grieve and to rebuild a friendship. This is extremely difficult in our situation, as we are co-parenting and sharing the same home. We are still sleeping in the same bed for now, but at some point, I might suggest we have our own separate rooms. Right now, I feel the need to have some closeness, but I'm not sure it's healthy for the long term.
Right now, we're both trying to figure out the new rules. What is allowed? What is off limits? How much do we share with one another? And how long can we live this way? We are both scrambling to get our finances in order, and we are waiting until we can afford to make a move, and until our daughter is a little older. She has some struggles- ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder, and it takes a village right now to keep her together. So, for now, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
redpepper, I believe I will get through this. I am not censoring my feelings, and I am trying to be kind to myself.
Thanks for the feedback. I have a lot to chew on right now...