Thread: Back and Forth
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Old 09-10-2012, 03:12 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by morningmoon View Post
Now, to give some background: he'd met this new love three days prior to our conversation and had already started falling hard for her (so much as to suggest that "it might just be her and you for the rest of my life").

...Upon encountering his absolute confidence that this was our spiritual path, and that it would open everything up for us, however, I did hesitatingly agree to try it, even though I kept asking him why he felt it necessary to put it all on the line for this. For the next two weeks, then, things moved extremely quickly. My back and forthness on the issue, coupled with his extreme gushing love for this new person, pushed us into an emotionally turbulent state, which was starting to affect our daughter. And he increasingly told me he was simply "holding space" for my negative emotions, and choosing to believe that Truth resided only in the times I agreed. I, on the other hand, quickly realized that his desire for me to run out and set up dates with new potential poly lovers was rash and superficial. I did have a phone conversation with her during all of this (she is not poly, and had never heard of it). She didn't share much, except that she "didn't want to break up anyone's marriage". And we talked about how we hoped that maybe her and I would click better when we met, and maybe just maybe the three of us could make something (although he didn't really want to share).

When she finally arrived, I met them on the beach. I could feel the "amazing energy" between them, the lust oozing off of them, and I felt really uncomfortable and unsatisfied with her conversation with me. When she heard I was struggling, she just said "yeah, that must be hard," that she didn't have any expectations about the relationship, but that not pursuing it would, again, be "abandoning herself." When I told him that I thought this might be the end of us, he told me to have faith, that this was just the beginning, that we are in the midst of a major heart based spiritual breakthrough, etc etc.

...So I promptly ask him to leave, that my daughter and I need some space and serenity from the emotional turbulence of this. He doesn't show up at work that day, spends the day on the beach with her, and then comes to collect his clothes later when we are home, making sure he looks happy and telling me that he will be staying with her.

Now, he is still with her, or so I assume because he hasn't come home and hasn't wanted to talk at all (or is simply respecting my silence), and I'm relatively clear on the fact--based on the many healthy poly friends I have--that this was NOT a healthy way to start poly, and that, as I realized in yoga, that this wasn't even really poly, it was him starting an affair and trying to capitalize on my openness and experience with poly, and my slip up that first night, in order to validate his actions. I am relatively clear also that his conscious disregard of my doubts and fears and sadness and anger as simply my "ego" or my "lower self" is something that is not very cool, that if maintaining our marriage and keeping our family together was really his primary concern, he'd have taken note of the fact that I wasn't 100% ready for this, and maybe would have stopped or at least put the damn thing on hold for awhile. I'm clear that his argument that I agreed so I caused all of this is fundamentally flawed. And I'm clear that this lover of his really doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself in this...
Just wanted to point out that they are deep in the midst of NRE (new relationship energy). NRE is not spiritual. It's just a potent cocktail of hormones that erodes after a while. Don't accept this nonsense about Truth and 'higher spiritual path'. The 'truth' is in how he treats you and others.

In 6 months, it is very likely your husband and his lover will wonder what the hell they see in each other. They are certainly following something but it's not their 'higher selves'. The sooner the faux spiritual justification for their behavior is gone the better for all involved. I just cannot stand people justifying treating others horribly because of 'spiritual' growth or changes. Can poly relationships be deeply spirtual? Of course. But this ain't it.

I hope you can work something out with him, if only an amicable divorce.

Last edited by opalescent; 09-10-2012 at 03:15 PM.
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