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Old 09-10-2012, 04:12 AM
LifeLongCpl LifeLongCpl is offline
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Arizona
Posts: 5

The thing is ... poly is now a curiosity with me. I find myself needing to learn about it, searching it, asking questions about it. I believe I can suppress it, over time, just like I blocked minor crushes I've had on other woman over the years. It's just so fresh now, so it's always on my mind.

This is understandable, I think like with anything when it's a new idea it's hard to think of anything else. Unfortunately for you she doesn't feel the same so it hurts her.

She claims she's not jealous, but rather is just making a rational choice to reduce her pain. She says she knows she will hurt a lot if I won't be monogamous ... the mere thought that I want something more than only her is sickening to her. And in order to protect herself, she closes up.

At least she is honest with you and herself about this, changing your entire idea about how a relationship/marriage should work is hard. Maybe in time, if you give her some space and understanding on the issue, she will be able to open up and consider it.

Today she told me again, within a four day period, that she wants a divorce ... because I kept picking on this subject and reading/writing about it. I am trying to convince her that she doesn't really want a divorce (we have a rule that if one side tells each other they want a divorce in the heat of the momeny, they need to stick with it for at least a few weeks for the other person to believe them). I know both of us will be a lot more miserable separate than together ... I believe this to be true long term, not just during the breakup.

It's sad that divorce is being thrown out there because of this. If you are still faithful to her and you are expressing your feelings in a caring manner then I feel it's unfair. Now if you are going about this untruthful and against her wishes then that is your burden to carry.

I think she's afraid of losing my love for at least two reasons:
She believe that romantic love is a fixed quantity, and when divided it's diminished. It doesn't help that I tell her it doesn't work like that for me ... this is what she feels to be true.

This is a sad notion to me. I feel that it can be compared to having children, when you have your second your love does not then divide, it grows.

She associates love with attention ... and I can't deny that new relationships have that "shiny new toy" effect, which causes more attention to be drawn towards the new people.

This would be up to you to not let happen. Just because a new relationship might have that effect you can't let it take away from her. If anything you need to be more attentive to your wife to ensure she sees that you love is not being taken from her, only deepening.

She's deeply afraid of what happens if we have children, and then I decide to act on my polyamorous feelings (we currently don't have kids). She knows I can't promise her a "forever after" - we both retain the right to change our minds ... this is how marriage works.

I don't believe this is how marriage works, maybe other polys do but I just don't. I feel that once you commit to someone you are promising them a "forever after" and when you then have children that commitment should be even stronger. She should have no doubt about your commitment to her and your future children but with this mentality I don't see how she wouldn't.

Sadly, we don't seem to have the time to just detach from work and spend it together. We always "knew", by reading various books etc... that it's essential to do this, but the routine we fall to is where we're both over-worked and not devoting enough attention to each other. We'll try to do better this time, but I don't know if it'll work.

You have to go into this knowing without a doubt that you will make it work. You have to take the time to give her a massage before bed, run her a bath with candles before she gets home, simply pour her a glass of her favorite wine with a rose. Yes you also deserve nice gestures like this but someone has to start and most of the time the other will follow suit. Marriage is a job in itself and you have to put the work in for it to last and be blissful. I can honestly say that I feel like I have the best most honest marriage that I have ever seen. We communicate everything, we shower each other with love and because of those things neither of us feel that anything could divide us. And if we were not as strong as we are then we would never consider acting on our poly feelings. I honestly hope that the two of you can make it work, you need to start with taking divorce out of your vocabulary.
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