View Single Post
Old 09-09-2012, 07:42 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

No, if he hadn't screwed up-at this point I would not be making an effort. But, his behavior left her feeling unwelcome by me.

The purpose of this effort would be so that she could know that it is ok with ME if he invites her to socialize when we have a BBQ for exAmple, or to participate in activities I may or may not wander into.

Currently she doesn't feel she can accept the invite. Rightfully so. I don't need or want friendship for that to happen- i just need a lack of conflict and respect for me in the form of not talking crap, not invading my personal space (bedroom) and not undermining my authority with my kids.

However, the people I invite are all clise friends to me-she feels weird because I don't treat her the same. I'm not a hostess type. I'm a 'kitchens there' type. So I flutter through my friends talking and enjoying myself. They are all friends too. So they do the same thing. No one needing me to hold their hand through the socializing part of being here. She doesn't know the. (yes I make introductions) and senses that she is an outsider. Which, she is.

For her sake and SO I feel compelled to at least address the previous conflict, put it to rest, outline for her what she can/can't expect from me and what I expect from her (respect and manage her own shit via SO, not me, I'm not her hostess or buddy), and address that yes she is welcome to accept invites from him without concern regarding me 'not approving' and if she has a question or concern regarding me-bring it to me, not ramble to others hoping for a solution.

I expect this is goig to be uncomfortable for both of them actually. Because they 'make friends' quickly. Meet, greet and sudden bff. I do not. She has a tendency to want to educate me on how to change. I find it highly annoying. My attitude is , 'go make friends at light speed. I will be here relaxing, homework done and enjoying a good book when you return'.
I feel pressured to be her new bff-because 'it would be so nice for the families to hang out together'.
My mind replies-'i dont know you well enough to consider you a friend and what does that have to do with beig able to hang out?'

I watch people and over time learn their predictable behaviors. Eventually, that may result in feeling secure and safe in sharing my internal
Mental workings and developing friendship. But Im slow.

I knew DH 10 yrs before we started dating. Altogether we have 24 yrs.
Bf-20 yrs all together.
4friends-25 yrs
2-23 yrs
2-18 yrs and the wife of one of those has become a dear friend, know. Her 15 yrs.

Thats my core social group. There are people ar the college. Known theem almost 2 yrs, we r in the same lgbt club. One is becoming a friend. He's come by to visit, we've gone to his bday celebrations, i have never gone to his home. I have met his family.

Shrug. Im just not social the way this young lady is any more. And while dh isnt really social, when he's attrActed he tends to go from introductions to sex in less than a month. Whereas I would not consider sex until I have developed a solid friendship which can take 2-5 years.

Not a big deal-as long as they respect that the 'closeness and conne tion' they feel, is theirs, not mine and does not immediately result in the privileges of deep friendship WITH ME that they have with one another.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote