Hi! I have a question about managing sexual expression with primaries in LT relationships - in a way this follows on from Nathan's interesting post about being a primary's sexual secondary...
I've been with my bf for over 2 years, open from the start but taking a more poly direction recently; he's always been poly at heart, I'm more of a swinger and it took me time to feel settled and secure enough to be comfortable with him having emotional connections with others. As for me, I just need sexual freedom - I love variety and have enjoy being promiscuous - always playing safe, of course, but I an not interested in managing several committed relationships. We've been very honest with each other and managed to accept and understand our differences. I never doubt how much he cares for me and we are extremely close.
We're both equally into having many sexual partners and experimenting. When we met it was insane NRE and we would have sex 4 times a day, often extremely kinky BDSM (we both switch), I’d be covered in marks... Over the years, we still have a lot of sex (usually every time we see each other, so about 4 times a week). But the intensity and BDSM side of things has lessened. I know a lot of it is to do with the way relationships often get more cuddly when you're closer and more comfortable with each other, and also any tensions we've had caused the kink to take a back seat. But still... I have been pursuing other doms over the time we've been together, and now I feel like I mostly have to go outside the relationship to have this need met. And now he's started seeing a girl who's a sub. We do communicate, he does dominate me, so it's not like it never happens - but there's a part of me that's a bit sad we're going outside the relationship to do the kind of kink we used to do together all the time. He’s still happy with the way I dom him and hasn’t yet looked for anyone else to do this with, although I actually don’t mind if he does.
We don’t have any “problem”, really, but I guess I'm interested in the ways people’s sex life in LT polyships work out:
- If you’re kinky, have you found that kink levels decrease as you get closer/cuddly/more emotionally intimate? Or is it more of a “wax and wane” over the course of time?
- Is it often the case that when you meet new sexual partners you direct more extreme sexual behaviour towards them and away from the primary relationship?
- Does NRE with others generally lead to less sex between primaries?
- If you’re into BDSM play, do you have any restrictions on BDSM with others, or does everything go?
- If you’re into D/S play, how do you manage this with having an extremely equal relationship in all other ways? Sometimes it’s hard for either of us to let the other take control because we’re so equal in all other arenas, and both extremely independent people… it’s almost like it’s easier with someone you’re not in such a close partnership with, I’m wondering if others can relate.
- Do you get jealous if your primary does something sexually with another partner you crave and hasn’t happened in a while? Do you talk about it, and how do you do this without them feeling you’re pressuring them into a certain sex act? Or do you just tell yourself it's none of your business because every relationship is different, and you’re glad he’s having fun?