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Old 09-09-2012, 06:27 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Raiff-sound advice if I had any real personal interest in befriending her. But, I do not. If this were a 'not pertaining to him' scenario-I would never sit down to talk to her. That opportunity of potential interest in getting to know someone goes right out the window with trash talking.
The friendships I maintain tend to be with people I've been friends with 20+years. Primarily because my interest in bothering to get to know someone, if it means dealing with unnecessary drama, dropped to nothing about 12 years ago.
So, in this case, her behavior the first few times we met, (before the trash talking and drama) was so... Hyper and needy whilst proclaiming to be very independent, that I was turned off of even hearing her voice. Who she is, has a lot in common with who I was 20 years ago. But, I have changed A LOT in those years.
I am much more secure about who I am, awAre of what I need and want, less outgoing, less 'wild', more prone to sitting at home playing cards or scrabble with my kids, uninterested in 'proving myself' in social activities or sports.
So, while I can grant her a smile of familiarity because I remember when I felt the competitive need to run faster, play harder and generally be the best at everything, and the underlying insecurity that drove me to be boastful and act over confident- I am no longer that way AND no longer interested in participating in the high maintenance relationships that go with that.

Thus, being poly, I feel I may owe it to my SO and her, to give her a chance again-because it was his fault things went the course they went AND he's done a shitload of self-work to fix his shit, claim it, correct it and clean up the fallout from it ..... I have no personal interest in developing a relationship with this young lady or her circle of friends.
Thus my quandry.
I am not prone to maintaining acquaintance relationships. I have deep, long lasting friendships, and two lovers. But, people who I am not interested in getting close to, I just don't socialize with.
But, in this case, I feel a responsibility to make an effort to develop a... Friendly acquaintance with her, for my SO and her sake. I'm not really sure how to do that. The 'rules of engagement' that I use in life, don't include that.

For people I consider strangers, I have 'polite'. But, I don't have 'waste my time and energy engaging this person I have already established I am uninterested in having as a close personal friend' rules. Because-I don't do that.

Not trying to sound crass, but I'm not hard up for friends and I already lack the time to spend the amount of time I would like with the ones I have. So adding more to my list isn't a high priority. Furthermore, if I am going to add any to my list, I'm not likely to ever choose ones that are dramatic, tempermental, needy, high maintenance-HEADACHES for me.

Short version, I wouldn't dream of looking to be friends with her.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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