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Old 09-09-2012, 05:34 AM
theopol theopol is offline
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 7

Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hello theopol,
Welcome to our forum.

You have a tough time to go through, and this other woman may have a tough time to go through as well. Maybe someday in the future your wife will be more willing to negotiate things?
I know. My wife and I are not doing well at all ... we're trying to communicate and rebuild our trust, but it's a daily challenge. We were actually doing pretty well in the last few days until I posted this message ... she now accuses me of "over-exploring my poly side" instead of focusing on our marriage first. Maybe she's right, I dunno.

The thing is ... poly is now a curiosity with me. I find myself needing to learn about it, searching it, asking questions about it. I believe I can suppress it, over time, just like I blocked minor crushes I've had on other woman over the years. It's just so fresh now, so it's always on my mind.

Are any of you self-aware polys that have chosen, for whatever reason, to suppress this side of their personality, and succeeded?

Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hello theopol,
It is often useful to talk about the jealousy, in terms of trying to get to the root of the problem. What is causing your wife to fear losing your love? Perhaps there is something between just the two of you that needs worked on. You mentioned that your wife is super busy with work right now, and that you and she aren't spending as much time together as you and/or she would like. Is that something that can be discussed or negotiated?
She claims she's not jealous, but rather is just making a rational choice to reduce her pain. She says she knows she will hurt a lot if I won't be monogamous ... the mere thought that I want something more than only her is sickening to her. And in order to protect herself, she closes up.

Today she told me again, within a four day period, that she wants a divorce ... because I kept picking on this subject and reading/writing about it. I am trying to convince her that she doesn't really want a divorce (we have a rule that if one side tells each other they want a divorce in the heat of the momeny, they need to stick with it for at least a few weeks for the other person to believe them). I know both of us will be a lot more miserable separate than together ... I believe this to be true long term, not just during the breakup.

I think she's afraid of losing my love for at least two reasons:
  1. She believe that romantic love is a fixed quantity, and when divided it's diminished. It doesn't help that I tell her it doesn't work like that for me ... this is what she feels to be true.
  2. She associates love with attention ... and I can't deny that new relationships have that "shiny new toy" effect, which causes more attention to be drawn towards the new people.

She's deeply afraid of what happens if we have children, and then I decide to act on my polyamorous feelings (we currently don't have kids). She knows I can't promise her a "forever after" - we both retain the right to change our minds ... this is how marriage works.

Sadly, we don't seem to have the time to just detach from work and spend it together. We always "knew", by reading various books etc... that it's essential to do this, but the routine we fall to is where we're both over-worked and not devoting enough attention to each other. We'll try to do better this time, but I don't know if it'll work.

Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hello theopol,
Whatever you want to talk about, I (along with many others) am willing. Remember, mono/poly relationships can and often do work.
Thanks ... I certainly hope that ours can indeed work out.
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