Definitely not a red flag for me. Most of my friends EVER in my life have either had diagnosed or most likely COULD have been diagnosed with some form of mental illness. Especially since I'm demisexual and rarely am interested in people I'm not friends with, it's unlikely that I would ever fall in love with someone who didn't.
While I definitely think there are things that might prove to be problems -- I don't think I would necessarily be capable myself of emotionally knowing how to cope with severe dissociative episodes, or might be triggered by someone with severe body dysmorphia, for example, that is my problem and not theirs. And also something I haven't TRIED to do!
Mental illness isn't fun to deal with anyway and I find it really problematic that we even have this thread to pile on how undatable people with a psychiatric DX are. It seems kind of ablist and it's definitely depressing for those of us who do. I also think it's sort of generic to have a red flag over that diagnosis. There are some neurotypical people who are just not capable of handling a poly relationship, and there are some people with diagnosed mental disorders (or otherwise neuroatypical) who are better than average. If you asked "hey, are wheelchairs a red flag for you?" you'd be unlikely to get one answer and you might get looked at a little funny and this isn't much different.
In my relationship we ALL have depression and anxiety. We've experienced many of the same stressors in one form or another. While it can be stressful at times for J to not be able to make her girlfriend feel better, or for me to want both of them to be happy, or whatever, we all understand each other.
Honestly being poly (in the particular configuration we're in, in which I'm friends with my metamour and we keep very little from eachother, and also in which we all run on different schedules) seems to be less stressful because there are more people to talk about anxieties with. J might miss me having a panic attack because she's sleeping, but N will be awake for it. If N is having a problem both J and I might be around to talk her through it from different perspectives.
I think my red flag is not for mental illness but for using those illnesses as a means of manipulation. When I was younger for example, I definitely was guilty of using people's concern for me against them -- scaring them to elicit some proof of love. I've had it done to me as well. That's absolutely not acceptable behavior either from me or from a partner and I would never do it or accept it these days. Someone purposefully not treating themselves or being self destructive purely to elict a reaction from me wouldn't be handled very well.
Last edited by winged; 09-09-2012 at 04:01 AM.