Welcome to our forum.
You seem to be having a similar emotional roller-coaster to what I did in the early years of my V/triad. If your pattern goes like mine, you should find that it gradually gets easier as the years go by.
Re (from JaneQSmythe, Post #2
"In my experience 'love' is one of those concepts where 'everyone' knows what it means and 'everyone' is using a different conceptualization of the same."
Heh; excellent observation.
Anyway, birdpowers, I'm glad to have you with us.